Migrating Season

Pops there is not much difference between humans and birds. We live at some place and then we move to a new city and just like birds we make our new nests and the cycle continues.

I dont know when do we stop, if not physically then at least mentally we keep going to places, people and moments.

For You

Pops remember I had said I will crush this MBA, be a good student, do well in academics and get a good job?

I did all of that, I got into dean's list in all three semesters, I scored 3.93 out of 4 and passed with distinction(top 10%). I got into an extremely reputed company. From the entire batch of 400 MBAs only 11 are joining that firm.

I am not telling you all this to brag. When we were together, I wanted to do it for you. I wanted to make you proud of me. But by the time I reached here all was over. I still did all of that with a hope that somewhere you will still be proud of me. I dont want to say I did it for you, trust me you dont owe me anything, but I did all of that because I wanted to keep that promise, its the least I could do.

On my last day I was happy that I accomplished what I aimed to and yet I was hollow because I couldnt share it with you.

Wherever you are, this is my homage to you and your infinite love. 

Thank you for being an inspiration for me. I cherish your presence even now, after all that happened and will forever be indebted to you.

Somewhere

I lost my heart in the narrow bustling streets of Kadikoy. With you, I lived and loved and Kadikoy became special. I know nothing of that sort will ever happen again and thats what makes it so special and yet I long for those narrow streets and your company.

Our Cipher

 I was recently searching for a song, it was a song with Piano music and some random voices which had no meaning but perfectly fit the music. I didn't remember the song's name, nor do I remember who was the artist, I just knew that I loved it and it exists somewhere. 

So I decided to look at my YouTube history and see if I can see if it turns up. The search starts with the latest date and goes further in the past and as I was scrolling it hit me that this history in a way reflects so much of my own past. I could see some Turkish songs in the search at some point, and then a lot of Egyptian songs, and then Camel Band came and it was as if I was I was seeing the reel of my past. 

Each song had a story, a memory attached to it. Each song for me was a moment I remembered and each story had people who shared that moment with me and I saw her too in those moments, I saw our lives together in those songs. I saw our coming together and I also saw us transforming into strangers in that history. Every moment, every search, every bit of it felt so intimate, something which is hard to explain to anyone and even harder to share.

That's where my Pops lives with me, in the seemingly meaningless YouTube history where I see us sharing so many moments. A story which only we could understand, a story that is a cipher for others. A cipher which has only two keys, I have one and she has one. What could be more intimate than that?

Mumbai ki Baarish

Thandi boondon ko choomna chahta hun

Boondon ke bojh tale bhi halka mehsoos hota tha

Maano jaisa dil khula ho aur thandi hawa dil mein seedhe ghusi chali jaati ho

Jaan daal de, waisi hoti thi Mumbai ki baarish

Bheegna chahta hun Mumbai ki baarish mein

Jaane kab milega mauka phir

Jaane kab dekhunga barsaat ab

Par agli baar chhata liye bina hee jaaunga Mumbai

Kyunki, Bheegna chahta hun Mumbai ki baarish mein

Closure

I saw her today, in my dreams and it felt very real. She was lying naked on the bed in a naturally lit room which looked a lot like my bedroom in Istanbul, and I was there sitting next to her. I was observing the goosebumps on her breasts and wondering what led to those goosebumps, maybe my presence. She asked me something, something she needed help with, I was ready but then she hesitated and refused to accept the help and I drifted away from the dream, felt the light on my eyes and I was back in reality, clock showed its 9.00 AM and there I was happy sad to see her so close.

We didn't touch, we didnt make love, we didn't kiss, we only had a small chat, I got to see her face, I got to see my love and I wondered if this is the end, if this is my closure or was cosmos carrying her waves to me, was she also thinking about me.

Its sad that we are not together, but I hope this is not the closure, I need that weak and hair thin connection that I have with you, thats all that keeps me alive. 

Forever thinking about you Pops, irrespective of where I am, what state I am, you are always there in my mind.

My nights with you

Its been some time, but not a day goes by when I dont think about you Pops. Sometimes the thoughts are sweet and nestle with those memories and cuddle them to sleep, but sometimes I burn with guilt, struggle to breathe and every minute of the torturos night is filled with pain.

Barbaadi Ki Aag (Fire of Destruction)

 Barbaadi ki wo aag aaj bhi jal rahi hai

(Flames of destruction are still alive)

Seene mein wo sharam aaj bhi dhadhak rahi hai

(That guilt that I carry in my heart is still stoking)

Aashiyaane kai banaye maine, par sab khaak hue

(I tried to build from the start, but all got destroyed)

Tamam naye armaan mere us aag mein jal kar raakh hue

(All new dreams turn to ash)