Beauty of Ithaca Fall

Dil rooi, zabaan patthar aur khayal mom ho gaye

(Heart as light as cotton, tongue tied and my thoughts melted like wax)

Unki khoobsurti mein apne hone ka ehsaas hua

(In her beauty I felt my existence)

From Dusk to Dawn

Couldn't sleep tonight, she came in my thoughts and didn't let me sleep. I saw the darkness slowly turn into light and yet what I did haunted me, I missed her, I miss not knowing what cute things she is doing, who is she pissed with, who is she cribbing about. I miss her cute messages, I miss that cute smile.

Parchai (Shadow)

Dhoondta hun uske nishaan har waqt har jagah

(I look for her traces all the time, everywhere)

Parchai bhi na mili is badnaseeb ko

(This wretched man could not even get her shadow)

Khwahishein (Wishes)

Hawaon par likhta hun khwahishein apni

(I write my wishes on the breezes)

Ki kahin unko ko kisi ki nazar na lage

(So that they do not catch someone's evil eye)

Mutthi mein band rakhta hun armaon ko mere,

(I keep my wishes in my closed fist)

Ki kahin khuda ko meri koshish jurrat na lage

(So that God doesnt find my perseverance to get those wishes audacious)

Shikwa (Lament)

Shikwa kya karein unke jaane ka,

(Why should I complain about her leaving me)

Mannat maut ki bhi kabool na hui unke dar pe

(When even my wish for death in her feet wasnt fulfilled)

Made It

 I made it to the Dean's List Pops. I scored 3.86 GPA in the summer semester to pull that off. I think you would have been very happy had you known this. I can imagine you being super happy and doing your happy dance and that kind of makes me happy. Cheers!

Insanity

There is this insanity here. All you do is run, although its never clear what I am running behind. But it does keep you occupied, in that ways this insanity is good. After all day doing something which has no meaning, when I come back and your thought touches me, it has the same effect as water has on a drying up plant. I feel the life in me, I feel the softness, I feel the juices running in me again. 

Your thought makes me see the insanity in its true colors and it lets me detach myself from that insanity. But then I miss you so much, that I almost feel guilty of feeling alive and somewhere I start wishing for insanity. Thats what my punishment is, to live an insane life while being dead inside, keeping you as a mere spark, but nothing more, not enough to revive me, but enough so I remember what I lost, what I destroyed.

I miss you Pops. Everyday.

It matters why you change.

 Someone asked me, what would you do if you got to know today is the last day, at 12 midnight you'll die?

I first thought about it and my initial thoughts included flipping few people, calling popo to hear her voice for the last time, making sure my parents accept this and what not. But then something occurred and I said to my friend "I would live it just the way I have been living but yeah I will call her for the last time for sure." 

My friend was a little surprised that I would not do anything out of the ordinary. So I asked him, you know you are going to die someday. The awareness of our eventual death already exists, but I still live the way we live, then why change anything even if I get to know I'll be dead tomorrow.

If I should change, then I should change because of the life that I want to live, not because I am about to die soon. 

But yeah, as a last wish, I will still call her, if only to get her wrath.

Echoes

I miss your laughter, it echoes in my head, the only place I can hear it. I wonder if you still laugh like that. If you still go all mad and do your happy dance! I miss you pops!

One Step Closer

Its my birthday month, an event which I refuse to celebrate. My friend asked me why and I told him, birthday is like a reminder that I am one step closer to Death!

My friend said looking at how the world is, its not essentially a bad thing, you should celebrate that you are closer to death now. And I told him -

I had come screaming into this world, I shall go quietly!

The Unsaid Message

 You've got to be a better than this Pops.

                                                   -- Pops

 I would like to believe thats what she wanted to tell me. Missing you Pops as always.    

MItti Ka Toota Khilauna (Broken Toy made of Soil)

Mitti ka toota khilauna hun

I am a broken toy

Kuch adhoora sa, kuch bikhra sa

A little incomplete, a little less

Waqt ki dararon se lipta sa

Covered with the cracks of time

Baahar se toota hun, Andar se toota hun

I am broken from the outside, I am broken from the outside

Bhooton se bhara hun, kaali raaton se ghira hun,

I am full of the demons, and surrounded by the dark nights

Kal ki yadon se lipta hun, kal ke aane se dara hun

I am hugging your memories and scared of the future

Aaj bhi lagta hai sambhal sakta hun

Even today I think I will be fine

Aaj bhi lagta hai jud sakta hun

Even today I think I can become a whole

Ummeed hai aur mayoosi bhi

I have the hope but hoplesness too

Thoda sa zinda hun, thoda mara bhi

I am a bit alive, but a little dead too⁷

Kangan (Bracelet)

 Uske haathon mein bas hum hee jachte the,

(Only I used to suit her hands just the right way,)

Daava...sone ka kangan bhi karta tha

(Even her golden bracelet used to claim the same)

The golden bracelet won.

We all need a bit of Sunshine

You know that feeling when the clouds give way to the Sun and the first beaming warmth touches your skin? A relief, a warm cozy feeling? That's what my Popo is to me, just that the clouds are too thick, everything is beyond my reach. I can only watch and wait for gloomy past to give way so that she can shine again and send her warmth to me.

Andheri Raat (Dark Night)

 Jabse gayi ho, sab kuch bas ek andheri raat hai, aur main sunsaan galiyon mein savera dhoondta aavaara.

(Ever since you left, everything is just a long dark night, and I am the vagabond, searching the streets for sunrise.)

Come popo!

Pops, I miss you. I miss those cute habits of yours. When will you talk to me? Never? Really? One life, and you want to punish me that bad? Can we not look at any other punishment? Something which keeps me close to you, rest doesnt matter, any other punishment would work.

Fashionista Popo

 Today in the strategy calls, for almost three hours we discussed Gucci and how it re-emerged. I realized how less I know about that industry and then I thought how well you would be able to participate in that class. Missed your insights. Maybe last night I would have discussed the case with you, had you been in my life.

You are pretty close

 I don't know god, never understood the concept. People remember God first thing in the morning. If I go by that logic, it is you who I think about when I wake up. Not bad Pops, you are almost close to being God. If not for the entire world, at least for me.

Haivaan (Monster)

 Aaine me khud ko dekha to ehsaas hua kita badsurat hun main

(I saw myself in the mirror and realized how ugly I am)

Kis nazar se dekhun khud ko, kaise bhool jaaun kis kism ka haivaan hun main.

(How do I see myself, how do I forget what kind of monster I am.)

What did I do?

Popos! I miss your cute smile, I miss your funny dance and I miss your warm hugs. It happens everyday, I miss you every moment. I am not mourning anymore, I am simply regretting it. If I could, I would run to you and never let you go anywhere again.