Every time we wink, a moment passes. That brief darkness is what we miss. One wink, one moment, and some of it lost to the brief darkness. As if darkness takes it cut from the portion. It doesn't sound much when we think about just one wink, but over the years it adds up, moments passed and the part of it lost to darkness.
What if that's all life is, a wink of the eye and twinkling of the stars.
When I wink, I see you Pops. That ways I avoid the darkness, that ways I don't lose a moment. Your calm presence in my stormy days is missed every day.
Long long back we had once gone to a mall, she dragged me into a photo booth, we clicked funny pictures of ourselves. In on of the frames they way she is looking at me, it gets me, every time I look at it. That's what I lost, that look. If that's not the look of love not sure what is.
That's just a rough sketch of us in that frame, I know I did a very bad job at drawing it, I don't look this good and she is very beautiful in real life, but yeah, can you see how she is looking at me. That is what I lost, completely because of me.
In a way I snatched her right to look at someone with that much love. I did that to her. Why would she ever forgive me, leave alone ever talking to me. I would have done more harsher things had I been in her shoes.
She was very kind, even after all this. I remember on my last day she talked to me normally, we cracked jokes, bitched about others, laughed at things and I know she did that because she wanted me to have a normal last day. Do you understand how big her heart is.
I miss you Popo.
Oh no no, I didn't become some unicorn startup or a big shot, here in this small town me and a couple of guys decided lets practice consulting by doing consulting work for local businesses for minimal or no fee. We named it Pepper Consulting. Needless to say, it was my suggestion. Why did I name it Pepper Consulting, because that ways it will stay close to my heart.
I hope I make you proud Pops in my small ways.
I should stop having beers, I feel like the loneliest person on earth. I miss her more than I can handle.
In a world where everything eventually becomes obsolete,
It is your memory that forever remains fresh
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Some say we are all star dust, I would like to believe we were part of the same star and we will always be.
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Eventually all lives end, only you could make me wish for eternity.
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If bubbles could last longer, I would ride them every night, if only to touch your dreams.
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If rationality suggests I would have to spend my mortal time without you, I would prefer to be irrational.
When I first heard the Japanese word "Ikigai", I loved its meaning, but I think at that time I misunderstood its meaning. Its funny how I loved the wrong interpretation of this word. In simple terms it means "the reason for being". Its simple, but the question is what is the reason for being? I used to think having a dream, an ambition/aspiration or maybe having a goal is what Ikigai means. I was wrong.
To me the word has taken another meaning, to me it started meaning her. She was the reason for my being. Goals, ambitions and dreams were just "something to do" and not THE reason for being. I lost my "Ikigai", and without it, nothing makes sense.
We have a word for this in Urdu as well- "Rooh". It can mean a lot of things under different contexts, and I associate with one of those meanings. For me Rooh means the thing which makes us alive. The difference between someone dead and alive is not simply the stopping of bodily functions, but also the vanishing of purpose for being. That innate desire, purpose, reason or whatever else you want to call it, to me that's what Rooh means.
She is my first thought in the morning, and the last thought at night. In that way she was my Rooh.
Sang a song in my tiny room where I am afraid to be loud, others might hear. But I sang for her, I sang because I wanted to call her and tell her this, but of course I can't, so I sang in whatever ugly voice I am bestowed with. I hope some ripples of the song reach her, not to bother her, but I hope she feels the love.
Kis Kis ko batayenge, judai ka sabab hum - 2
Who should I tell the sorrows of separation
Tu mujhse khafa hai to zamaane ke liye aa
If you are angry at me, then come for the world
Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa
Even if hatred is all you have for me, at least come to break my heart
Ranjish hi sahi
Even if its hatred
Aa phir so mujhe chhod ke jaane ke liye aa
Come if only to leave me again, but come
Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa
Even if hatred is all you have for me, at least come to break my heart
Ranjish hi sahi
Even if its hatred
Aa phir so mujhe chhod ke jaane ke liye aa
Come if only to leave me again, but come
Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa
Even if hatred is all you have for me, at least come to break my heart
Ranjish hi sahi
Even if its hatred
Pehle se marasim na sahi, phir bhi kabhi toh - 2
I know you don't agree, even then some day
Rasm-o Rah-I duniya hi nibhaane ke liye aa
come to carry out the rituals of this barbaric world
Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa
Even if hatred is all you have for me, at least come to break my heart
Ranjish hi sahi
Even if its hatred
I really wish there was a way to redo the past. I am not saying that so that I can undo my horrible mistake, well if given a chance I would love to, but I know that's not possible, second chances seldom happen and mostly in work of fiction. What I am talking about here is just tiny additions and deletions to the past events and not about removing the entire event.
As much as I live in the past nowadays, I see us and I always wonder, why did I not kiss her enough when I had the chance, why did I not tickle her more in that moment when I had the chance, why did I not cuddle her more on our couch when I had the chance. I saw her taking shower while I used to brush my teeth so many times, and I wonder why did I not just open the door and kiss her everywhere every single time while I had the chance.
I know why I didn't, because I didn't think it would end, I thought I will be able to do that all my life, I took the future for granted. And here I am now sitting in that barren future, wishing for touch-ups to fill my past with more love.
You know your future is worthless when you are more interested in making your past better.
Have you noticed it? Time and mind going in opposite direction? Time refuses to stop, continues to march on, and my mind drifts away in the past, recalls those memories where I was happy, where she was next to me and where we did all the silly things together.
Between this push and pull of time and mind, I am torn to pieces.
I am sitting on the couch, she is sitting right there, we have Becks open and we are watching some random movie. I am playing with her cheeks, she is holding me in her arms. I am telling her useless stuff about the movie and she, half listening to me, is quietly watching the movie. I tell her I am hungry, we are both lazy, we order a Pizza and we both are eagerly waiting for the pizza while sipping on our last beers. We are eating that pizza, not many words are exchanged, but we both know how much the other person would eat, there are no surprises there, we don't need words. Now we are full and the movie has ended and we are sleepy, we both somehow drag ourselves to the bed and she slips into her night clothes, I am waiting for her to join me under the cold blanket, so that I can snuggle up to her and find some warmth. She enters the blanket and plays with my tummy, which she is strangely fascinated with. Now the bed is warm and we feel cozy, I am spooning her and then suddenly I hear the sound of her lips opening like a fish and I know she is sleeping, in her rhythmic breathing I find my own rhythm and my eyes are heavy, I am about to sleep, with perfect knowledge that tomorrow I will wake up next to her, and we will be each other's world again.
It brings a smile.
You know how personal losses can change you, it happened to me too. Nowadays I try to find her in her own dreams, every day, hoping I would enter her dream and for few moments we would be together again. I don't want to convince her about something, I just want to spend some time with her because thats where my peace is, if dreams is where it happens, I will take it.
One more day, one more try.
Pops, I know a terrible mistake was made on my end. I am sorry beyond words, but I love you so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You are simply an amazing person and I want to share everything with you, right from my t-shirts to all my successes and failures. I made a mistake and I will make amends. I will travel to Turkey and visit your parents, and tell them how sorry I am and ask for forgiveness, I will tell them just because a family member makes a mistake, you don't throw the member out of the family forever. You give them a chance, and I will ask for that chance. After all we are family remember? I will meet you in December and formally propose you with a ring and then I will call up my parents and introduce you to them and finally announce that I am going to marry this amazing girl. After that I will call up my sisters and tell them I found my soulmate and introduce you to them. I will create an Instagram account, add every single person I know in this world and then post our ring photo and tell the whole world you are mine and I am yours. I will finish my education and marry you in 2022 June right after my school ends. I will figure out how to move to Europe and be with you in the same house. I will keep you happy, I will tell you everyday how much you mean to me, I will show you what your love has done to me, I will show you how you have made a man out of this stupid guy. So could you please consider again and let me part of your life, because without you, I shall remain incomplete forever.
I wish I could tell her this. I wish she would listen.
Never in the history of humankind, a generation has so diligently recorded their history while achieving so little
I should be in a jail.
No, not the ones we have everywhere for people who break laws, but a different kind of prison. Ruining lives, breaking people and their trust and altering (not in a good way) some lives forever, these are all crimes which I am guilty of, and I wish there were prisons for such crimes because that is where I belong.
First she left.
Then there were words, and then it seemed even the words have left,
Now that's what's left- me and my muted thoughts.
Dear blog,
It might sound wrong and utterly disgusting and controversial and all the bad things one can come up with, but I have started wondering where are all those mass shooters, why cant they do it where I live. I ll be done, and with me, all the issues will come to an end.
An end to a useless life is better than dragging it on, something like chess, once you know beyond hope that you will lose, you resign. I wonder why that option doesn't exist in real life.
I think I have reached a stage where even death doesn't seem to be a permanent solution. Do you understand what and to which extent you have to mess your life up to feel that way? I could tell you, but then I will have to kill you.
I don't hate the fact that someone whose eyes were always full of love for me would never talk to me again, what I hate is that she would never has those lovely eyes for me again, not even in her thoughts, all that would remain is indifference. Devastating.
