Barbaadi ki wo aag aaj bhi jal rahi hai
(Flames of destruction are still alive)
Seene mein wo sharam aaj bhi dhadhak rahi hai
(That guilt that I carry in my heart is still stoking)
Aashiyaane kai banaye maine, par sab khaak hue
(I tried to build from the start, but all got destroyed)
Tamam naye armaan mere us aag mein jal kar raakh hue
(All new dreams turn to ash)
Haathon kee lakeeron mein kyun zindagi ka tadbeer hai
(Why in the lines of my palm lies my life's plan?)
Kyun zindagi mein laga adhoori khwahishon ka dher hai
(Why my life is a pile of unfulfilled dreams?)
Khuda ka kaisa ye khel hai, kyun galtiyon ki saza iss kadar khaufnak hai
(Oh God! What games you play, why punishments for my mistakes are so gory?)
Tap raha hai badan, kyun ye yaadon ka bukhaar hai
(I feel feverish, why torture me with my past?)
Kis khanjar se likhi thi qismat, kyun chalni meri rooh hai
(Which knife did you use to write my destiny, why my soul is full of stabs?)
Sawaalon se ghira hun, kyun khamoshi tera andaaz hai
Dil rooi, zabaan patthar aur khayal mom ho gaye
(Heart as light as cotton, tongue tied and my thoughts melted like wax)
Unki khoobsurti mein apne hone ka ehsaas hua
(In her beauty I felt my existence)
I made it to the Dean's List Pops. I scored 3.86 GPA in the summer semester to pull that off. I think you would have been very happy had you known this. I can imagine you being super happy and doing your happy dance and that kind of makes me happy. Cheers!
Someone asked me, what would you do if you got to know today is the last day, at 12 midnight you'll die?
I first thought about it and my initial thoughts included flipping few people, calling popo to hear her voice for the last time, making sure my parents accept this and what not. But then something occurred and I said to my friend "I would live it just the way I have been living but yeah I will call her for the last time for sure."
My friend was a little surprised that I would not do anything out of the ordinary. So I asked him, you know you are going to die someday. The awareness of our eventual death already exists, but I still live the way we live, then why change anything even if I get to know I'll be dead tomorrow.
If I should change, then I should change because of the life that I want to live, not because I am about to die soon.
But yeah, as a last wish, I will still call her, if only to get her wrath.
You've got to be a better than this Pops.
-- Pops
I would like to believe thats what she wanted to tell me. Missing you Pops as always.
Mitti ka toota khilauna hun
I am a broken toy
Kuch adhoora sa, kuch bikhra sa
A little incomplete, a little less
Waqt ki dararon se lipta sa
Covered with the cracks of time
Baahar se toota hun, Andar se toota hun
I am broken from the outside, I am broken from the outside
Bhooton se bhara hun, kaali raaton se ghira hun,
I am full of the demons, and surrounded by the dark nights
Kal ki yadon se lipta hun, kal ke aane se dara hun
I am hugging your memories and scared of the future
Aaj bhi lagta hai sambhal sakta hun
Even today I think I will be fine
Aaj bhi lagta hai jud sakta hun
Even today I think I can become a whole
Ummeed hai aur mayoosi bhi
I have the hope but hoplesness too
Thoda sa zinda hun, thoda mara bhi
I am a bit alive, but a little dead too⁷
Uske haathon mein bas hum hee jachte the,
(Only I used to suit her hands just the right way,)
Daava...sone ka kangan bhi karta tha
(Even her golden bracelet used to claim the same)
The golden bracelet won.
You know that feeling when the clouds give way to the Sun and the first beaming warmth touches your skin? A relief, a warm cozy feeling? That's what my Popo is to me, just that the clouds are too thick, everything is beyond my reach. I can only watch and wait for gloomy past to give way so that she can shine again and send her warmth to me.
Jabse gayi ho, sab kuch bas ek andheri raat hai, aur main sunsaan galiyon mein savera dhoondta aavaara.
(Ever since you left, everything is just a long dark night, and I am the vagabond, searching the streets for sunrise.)
Today in the strategy calls, for almost three hours we discussed Gucci and how it re-emerged. I realized how less I know about that industry and then I thought how well you would be able to participate in that class. Missed your insights. Maybe last night I would have discussed the case with you, had you been in my life.
I don't know god, never understood the concept. People remember God first thing in the morning. If I go by that logic, it is you who I think about when I wake up. Not bad Pops, you are almost close to being God. If not for the entire world, at least for me.
Aaine me khud ko dekha to ehsaas hua kita badsurat hun main
(I saw myself in the mirror and realized how ugly I am)
Kis nazar se dekhun khud ko, kaise bhool jaaun kis kism ka haivaan hun main.
(How do I see myself, how do I forget what kind of monster I am.)
Melancholy is the best way to describe what I am feeling. I try to find you in the twinkling stars and in the bustling streets. I try to reach out to you, the heart sinks and the hollowness your departure has created swallows my entire existence and I reach a restless stage where I question every step which brought me towards you and then I question everything that led to my rightful destruction.
I miss you Pops, no matter how many times I say it, I fucking you miss you beyond words and with a force which shatters my heart every moment.
Here I am Pops, piss drunk and yet the loneliest I have ever felt. Its such an irony, I am paying for exactly the same thing, I am paying such a huge cost. I thought of messaging you, but I know just having your number doesn't mean I can. You should give me credit at least for knowing that bit even when I am sloshed. Here I am, thinking about you, every single day, I cannot call you, I cannot hear your voice.
Here you go Pops, thats the best punishment you could have ever given me. I am not saying this punishment isnt legitimate, I am just saying I hope you know for those 4 nights, I am being continuously punished, and its all worth it, because I did something very wrong to you.
You know what would be crazy though, that day when you call me, to tell me I am forgiven, the day I hear your voice. Crazy dream right? I know, don't tell me its impossible, in a way I know, I just don't have the guts to admit it. Let me live in my own dream, you shall stay mine forever.
All this I wanted to tell you, and yet I cannot. I use this lifeless blog as your pseudo so that I can tell you about my day everyday. What a life.
Unka jaana kaafi mehnga pada,
Her departure (from my life) was costly
Bazaaron mein phir se bikau hona pada
Once again I became a commodity in the market
Unki hanseen ko dekhe ho gaya arsa
Its been a long time since I last saw her smile
Dil-e-Jannat ko registan hona pada
The oasis of my heart turned into a desert.
Ab to hansee bhi nahi aati, zamaana hans raha hai,
Now I don't laugh, its the world which laughs
Log kehte hain mera dil-o-jaan kahin aur bas raha hai
People say the diamond of my heart has found a new heart.
Nowadays being Carbon neutral is kind of in fashion. Every organization who wants to "look good" in the books of their customers or stakeholder simply announces they plan to be carbon neutral in next 10-15 years. But there is a catch here? They have no plans around how they would do it, if not all, then at least most of them do not have a clue what they are talking about.
At the same time, we must ask what is the definition of being Carbon Neutral. Right now, those companies who say they are carbon neutral based on what they produce, or in other words based on their final product/outcome. But essentially what they do is that they push that carbon to someone else. Its more of carbon pushing than being carbon neutral. Pushing the carbon to someone else is not really being Carbon Neutral is it?
A simple principle we must remember, as long as we continue to defy nature and continue to live outside that nature, nothing is and nothing will be carbon neutral. Sounds pessimistic, but allow me to explain with an example. Lets take electric cars as an example. Tesla manufactures some of the most sleek and electric cars. It is a technological marvel. I admire Elon Musk and I admire Tesla. Now since these Tesla cars are electric cars, one might say that these cars lower the emission. Do they? Lets explore what all emissions we are not considering when looking at these cars.
Lets start with the batteries. The soul of electric cars. Batteries are made of chemicals, and chemicals do not simply appear on their own, they need to be manufactured. Did we take into account what the emissions are for those chemicals? How about all the charging these cars require. Isn't it true that most of the electricity in this world is still made by burning some kind of fuel? In that case, isn't that charging which we now need to do, instead of directly burning fuels in a traditional car, leads to emissions? Just because electric cars do not have an exhaust pipe doesn't mean these cars do not add to carbon emissions.
In my opinion we should derive some kind of formula to calculate the "net carbon emission" for products. For example, for electric cars -
Net carbon emission of an electric car = Sum of all carbon emissions associated with manufacturing of all parts + Average number of charges per year x Useful life of the car x Carbon emissions per charge + Carbon emissions required for disposal of car after its useful life + Carbon emissions associated with the sale of that car.
Tedious?! Of course its going to be a tedious process, saving our environment is no easy thing. once the net emission of the electric car is zero, only then we should call it carbon neutral.
I might sound cynical, but in my head, I have a simple rule. As long as we draw resources on a large scale with ambition to grow year after year with no end in sight, there is simply no way for any business to be carbon neutral.
Everyday, when we wake up, we fight the nature, we strive to stay away from nature. We have ACs because its hot, central heating because its cold, concrete buildings because we are scared of the outside, we need a bed to sleep on, because its nice to feel soft when we go to sleep, we need plates and forks and spoon to eat because that ways we look civilized!, we need 24 hour hot water because we never know when we might need it, we need bathing salts because it smells nice, we need insect repellants because they annoy us, we need chemicals to wash our hair and body because that makes us feel clean. I could go on for days, the point is, every morning when we wake up, we do everything possible to stay away from nature. We only like nature when we look outside the window or those walks where we are happy to see a tree and a lake, otherwise we humans are pretty happy to stay in our man made cocoons.
As long as we continue to live outside nature, as long as we draw resources from the nature at an industrial scale, with no time for nature to replenish the resources, how on earth can we be carbon neutral.
Next time, when you sit in an airconditioned room, ask yourself, are you not emitting carbon, without even moving a single bone?
Mariana Trench is supposed to be the deepest place on earth, and yet the gaping hole in my heart right now, it seems, is the deepest and darkest place. Pops, I am certain that without you, it shall forever remain an empty space. Life is hollow, and the haunting echoes of past are troublesome. No amount of anything I do can ever fill that special space you had, and the special space which will always be for you.
If my heart were a bar, it has one table and its reserved for you forever.
I tried drawing you Pops! It was one of those baby photos of yours where you are standing on the table with a huge toothless smile. You know how much I love that pic. I tried, but boy I suck at drawing, all three attempts failed. I will practice more and hopefully one day I will post what I draw and hopefully it will resemble you! I miss you chubby cheeks.
Remember Pops, once it happened, I refused to talk and was very angry and I wouldn't meet you and you came and sat down at the bar and refused to go without meeting me? You met me, we were fine after that. I wonder what would happen if I did that. Would you meet me? Would that be a good idea?
I find it disheartening that all I have of you is memories, as if I am building a tomb of memories, where all that lives is your memory. Wish there was a way, I could be closer and make things happen. Wish we could exist in reality, somewhere only we know. But hey, I didn't say its bad to have your memories, I am glad I at least have them, if not you. But the heart wants more!
She had a toothless smile when she was a baby. She was damn cute as a baby, not to say she was not cute when she grew up. One day I was working on some problem, and I have this habit of staring into empty space when I am thinking. So I turned in my chair, and there she was sitting at her desk, quietly chewing on a banana, her lips were pursed and her cheeks were round and she was eating the banana like a squirrel. She noticed and that I am watching her, she stopped chewing and looked at me in this clueless way, hard to describe, but very easy to fall in love with. Apart from her kid pics, thats the cutest sight I must have ever seen.
Kisi ki jannat ho tum, Kisi ka jashn ho tum,
(You are someone's heaven, You are someone's joy)
Humare khwabon ko bas tumhari parchai hee naseeb hui
(My dreams could only get your shadow)
We die, that's the truth. If you ask why do we die, there is a simple answer, because our organs or something else which makes us function and keeps us alive fails and that results in death. Deeper question why do organs and functions stop at all. If I keep adding calories and nutrients, why would the organs stop working. That in a way tells us we all come with an expiry date, irrespective of what we do, we are all born with expiry date. That expiry date can change based on our habits and lifestyle choices, but we can never get rid of that expiry date.
I was watching a very beautiful video on Microcosmos (link below), and the narrator says life is a chemical system that uses energy to to keep itself from reaching equilibrium. What is equilibrium? It means essentially we are made up of things that want us to die so that those things can reach equilibrium- their final state.
It is odd considering it is the same system which wants to keep us alive. So the things which want to keep us alive also want us to die. For all that we are made of, its a constant fight with itself. A fight which we win most of the days, but lose on that one fine day which becomes the end of us.
Losing equilibrium as we now know is lethal. I wonder if there is an emotional equilibrium which keeps us alive. A constant fight between the hope and despair, love and hate, anger and joy, chaos and calm. To me all these emotions boil down to one- "Sense of Purpose". Every other emotion is just a by-product of this one emotion. To me, sense of purpose is that fight against the equilibrium which keeps us alive.
I lost that sense of purpose ever since she left (she left because I was horrible). Ever since then there is a void, its like the mother of all emotions died and slowly gradually the by-products have disappeared.
PS:I am leaving this beautiful thought provoking video below -
I am simply exhausted by the sheer number of "to-dos" which I constantly have on any given day nowadays. But more than anything else I am exhausted for not having her to share my sorrows and joys and the complaints and insights and the experiences. Having her was so vital for life, for my sanity and for my calmness, everything is difficult without her, even living.
I am scared to look into your eyes and explain why I did what I did, probably because there is nothing that I say would ever be enough to explain it. But I want to look into your eyes, and hold your hand to ask you for forgiveness and for another chance.
Would you?
Would you be able to see past the mistake? Would you be able to see that my love for you is not limited till that one mistake? Would you find it in you to forgive this idiot guy once? Would let him curl up next to you like old days?
I hope you would.
Every time we wink, a moment passes. That brief darkness is what we miss. One wink, one moment, and some of it lost to the brief darkness. As if darkness takes it cut from the portion. It doesn't sound much when we think about just one wink, but over the years it adds up, moments passed and the part of it lost to darkness.
What if that's all life is, a wink of the eye and twinkling of the stars.
When I wink, I see you Pops. That ways I avoid the darkness, that ways I don't lose a moment. Your calm presence in my stormy days is missed every day.
Long long back we had once gone to a mall, she dragged me into a photo booth, we clicked funny pictures of ourselves. In on of the frames they way she is looking at me, it gets me, every time I look at it. That's what I lost, that look. If that's not the look of love not sure what is.
That's just a rough sketch of us in that frame, I know I did a very bad job at drawing it, I don't look this good and she is very beautiful in real life, but yeah, can you see how she is looking at me. That is what I lost, completely because of me.
In a way I snatched her right to look at someone with that much love. I did that to her. Why would she ever forgive me, leave alone ever talking to me. I would have done more harsher things had I been in her shoes.
She was very kind, even after all this. I remember on my last day she talked to me normally, we cracked jokes, bitched about others, laughed at things and I know she did that because she wanted me to have a normal last day. Do you understand how big her heart is.
I miss you Popo.
Oh no no, I didn't become some unicorn startup or a big shot, here in this small town me and a couple of guys decided lets practice consulting by doing consulting work for local businesses for minimal or no fee. We named it Pepper Consulting. Needless to say, it was my suggestion. Why did I name it Pepper Consulting, because that ways it will stay close to my heart.
I hope I make you proud Pops in my small ways.
I should stop having beers, I feel like the loneliest person on earth. I miss her more than I can handle.
In a world where everything eventually becomes obsolete,
It is your memory that forever remains fresh
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some say we are all star dust, I would like to believe we were part of the same star and we will always be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eventually all lives end, only you could make me wish for eternity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If bubbles could last longer, I would ride them every night, if only to touch your dreams.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If rationality suggests I would have to spend my mortal time without you, I would prefer to be irrational.
When I first heard the Japanese word "Ikigai", I loved its meaning, but I think at that time I misunderstood its meaning. Its funny how I loved the wrong interpretation of this word. In simple terms it means "the reason for being". Its simple, but the question is what is the reason for being? I used to think having a dream, an ambition/aspiration or maybe having a goal is what Ikigai means. I was wrong.
To me the word has taken another meaning, to me it started meaning her. She was the reason for my being. Goals, ambitions and dreams were just "something to do" and not THE reason for being. I lost my "Ikigai", and without it, nothing makes sense.
We have a word for this in Urdu as well- "Rooh". It can mean a lot of things under different contexts, and I associate with one of those meanings. For me Rooh means the thing which makes us alive. The difference between someone dead and alive is not simply the stopping of bodily functions, but also the vanishing of purpose for being. That innate desire, purpose, reason or whatever else you want to call it, to me that's what Rooh means.
She is my first thought in the morning, and the last thought at night. In that way she was my Rooh.
Sang a song in my tiny room where I am afraid to be loud, others might hear. But I sang for her, I sang because I wanted to call her and tell her this, but of course I can't, so I sang in whatever ugly voice I am bestowed with. I hope some ripples of the song reach her, not to bother her, but I hope she feels the love.
Kis Kis ko batayenge, judai ka sabab hum - 2
Who should I tell the sorrows of separation
Tu mujhse khafa hai to zamaane ke liye aa
If you are angry at me, then come for the world
Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa
Even if hatred is all you have for me, at least come to break my heart
Ranjish hi sahi
Even if its hatred
Aa phir so mujhe chhod ke jaane ke liye aa
Come if only to leave me again, but come
Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa
Even if hatred is all you have for me, at least come to break my heart
Ranjish hi sahi
Even if its hatred
Aa phir so mujhe chhod ke jaane ke liye aa
Come if only to leave me again, but come
Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa
Even if hatred is all you have for me, at least come to break my heart
Ranjish hi sahi
Even if its hatred
Pehle se marasim na sahi, phir bhi kabhi toh - 2
I know you don't agree, even then some day
Rasm-o Rah-I duniya hi nibhaane ke liye aa
come to carry out the rituals of this barbaric world
Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa
Even if hatred is all you have for me, at least come to break my heart
Ranjish hi sahi
Even if its hatred
I really wish there was a way to redo the past. I am not saying that so that I can undo my horrible mistake, well if given a chance I would love to, but I know that's not possible, second chances seldom happen and mostly in work of fiction. What I am talking about here is just tiny additions and deletions to the past events and not about removing the entire event.
As much as I live in the past nowadays, I see us and I always wonder, why did I not kiss her enough when I had the chance, why did I not tickle her more in that moment when I had the chance, why did I not cuddle her more on our couch when I had the chance. I saw her taking shower while I used to brush my teeth so many times, and I wonder why did I not just open the door and kiss her everywhere every single time while I had the chance.
I know why I didn't, because I didn't think it would end, I thought I will be able to do that all my life, I took the future for granted. And here I am now sitting in that barren future, wishing for touch-ups to fill my past with more love.
You know your future is worthless when you are more interested in making your past better.
Have you noticed it? Time and mind going in opposite direction? Time refuses to stop, continues to march on, and my mind drifts away in the past, recalls those memories where I was happy, where she was next to me and where we did all the silly things together.
Between this push and pull of time and mind, I am torn to pieces.
I am sitting on the couch, she is sitting right there, we have Becks open and we are watching some random movie. I am playing with her cheeks, she is holding me in her arms. I am telling her useless stuff about the movie and she, half listening to me, is quietly watching the movie. I tell her I am hungry, we are both lazy, we order a Pizza and we both are eagerly waiting for the pizza while sipping on our last beers. We are eating that pizza, not many words are exchanged, but we both know how much the other person would eat, there are no surprises there, we don't need words. Now we are full and the movie has ended and we are sleepy, we both somehow drag ourselves to the bed and she slips into her night clothes, I am waiting for her to join me under the cold blanket, so that I can snuggle up to her and find some warmth. She enters the blanket and plays with my tummy, which she is strangely fascinated with. Now the bed is warm and we feel cozy, I am spooning her and then suddenly I hear the sound of her lips opening like a fish and I know she is sleeping, in her rhythmic breathing I find my own rhythm and my eyes are heavy, I am about to sleep, with perfect knowledge that tomorrow I will wake up next to her, and we will be each other's world again.
It brings a smile.
You know how personal losses can change you, it happened to me too. Nowadays I try to find her in her own dreams, every day, hoping I would enter her dream and for few moments we would be together again. I don't want to convince her about something, I just want to spend some time with her because thats where my peace is, if dreams is where it happens, I will take it.
One more day, one more try.
Pops, I know a terrible mistake was made on my end. I am sorry beyond words, but I love you so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You are simply an amazing person and I want to share everything with you, right from my t-shirts to all my successes and failures. I made a mistake and I will make amends. I will travel to Turkey and visit your parents, and tell them how sorry I am and ask for forgiveness, I will tell them just because a family member makes a mistake, you don't throw the member out of the family forever. You give them a chance, and I will ask for that chance. After all we are family remember? I will meet you in December and formally propose you with a ring and then I will call up my parents and introduce you to them and finally announce that I am going to marry this amazing girl. After that I will call up my sisters and tell them I found my soulmate and introduce you to them. I will create an Instagram account, add every single person I know in this world and then post our ring photo and tell the whole world you are mine and I am yours. I will finish my education and marry you in 2022 June right after my school ends. I will figure out how to move to Europe and be with you in the same house. I will keep you happy, I will tell you everyday how much you mean to me, I will show you what your love has done to me, I will show you how you have made a man out of this stupid guy. So could you please consider again and let me part of your life, because without you, I shall remain incomplete forever.
I wish I could tell her this. I wish she would listen.
Never in the history of humankind, a generation has so diligently recorded their history while achieving so little
I should be in a jail.
No, not the ones we have everywhere for people who break laws, but a different kind of prison. Ruining lives, breaking people and their trust and altering (not in a good way) some lives forever, these are all crimes which I am guilty of, and I wish there were prisons for such crimes because that is where I belong.
First she left.
Then there were words, and then it seemed even the words have left,
Now that's what's left- me and my muted thoughts.
Dear blog,
It might sound wrong and utterly disgusting and controversial and all the bad things one can come up with, but I have started wondering where are all those mass shooters, why cant they do it where I live. I ll be done, and with me, all the issues will come to an end.
An end to a useless life is better than dragging it on, something like chess, once you know beyond hope that you will lose, you resign. I wonder why that option doesn't exist in real life.
I think I have reached a stage where even death doesn't seem to be a permanent solution. Do you understand what and to which extent you have to mess your life up to feel that way? I could tell you, but then I will have to kill you.
I don't hate the fact that someone whose eyes were always full of love for me would never talk to me again, what I hate is that she would never has those lovely eyes for me again, not even in her thoughts, all that would remain is indifference. Devastating.
Last couple of months have been stressful, full of bad moments and at the same time sad moments. Nowadays I am busy in making arrangements for my travel and next destination. Its so hectic that I don't even have time to think back on the time spent in Istanbul. The city I love, and the city which loved me back.
Sometimes, I think one should have some time to at least say a proper good bye. Alas, thats not the luxury I will have as I leave my beloved city.
Every time when I come back home, I see my little more older parents, ageing house and feel that heavy musty smell, as if its a place where even time gets old. And then comes a time when I need to leave and every time I leave home, it feels as if a little bit of me dies.
I love pepper, it has a zing, is edgy and makes my tongue tingle. I loved my Pepper too, pretty much for same reasons, she was unique, had her unique edges and her eyes were the biggest mines of love, love for me. Given how stupid I am, I did something horrible, more horrible than what Voldemort did and now my Pepper is gone. I have no pepper, life is bland and reeks of regret. I deserve it, especially because she didn't deserve any of what she got. Puccu Hububu Pops!
