Bye-Bye for sometime

Few of my friends have gone on a trip to Manali, but no I am not one of them.I am going to my village, almost after six long years. So no need to say I am excited, but not as excited as I would have had I gone with my friends to Manali. My friends are there in cool weather, watching snow, and here I am about to face the Bihar's loo hot hot music! This is not fair, but who said life is fair!

I just hope that it would bring the much needed welcome change in my life. With all my friends away I do nothing except playing games, chatting and a bit of book reading, gradually all this was becoming a bit boring, and I hate boredom in my kingdom. Probably this small village trip would help...I hope so.

But yeah I would miss few things, like my super selector contest(no internet there), Discovery Channel, My Blog. But I have to go, so Bye-Bye Miss Blog(yeah my blog is like my girlfriend, thats why I am using 'Miss'!) Miss You...Love You(whispering).
Cya all after sometime!
Bye-Bye

Lets Try Again

Feeling so sad, so blue
if you only knew
all that i'd do
not to lose you
my heart's in pain
no sunshine just rain
a tear stain
i'm going insane
you can save me
just try to be
not you and i, but we
together you see
the hurt is real
my soul you kill
my spirit you steal
and yet i feel
locked in your heart
can't break apart
or know where to start
its abstract art
complex at best
is there any rest
is this a test
were on a quest
can we last
and let go the past
our love's been cast
and true and vast
we can withstand
the test of time and
of each other demand
love thats grand
respect, honesty
patience, humility
compassion, loyalty
infinitely, all eternity.

From my archives..I SEE

A search in the desert of pain, directionless, purposeless. It has no definition, no existence. Nothing to prove, nothing to show. All it has is the loneliness. The music of winds is as if restless souls crying for salvation. It is a kind of music played during requiem. I "m in a search of what I don"t know, I follow a voice which comes from where I don't know, I keep moving to where I don't know. I am a peregrine, I travel not an inch on the roads but miles in my thoughts, I eat nothing but my own soul, I breath nothing just the winds of painful desert. A desert which has no beginning, neither I see any end of it. I see the stars in the sky, without them, I don't like the sky. In these stars, I see my life like a collection of million stories. Each in its place, few of them linked together, just like the constellations, few are too dim to be seen, but still they exist. I see them watching me, as if they are enjoying this story of mine, a story I hate, my life. I see them laughing, weeping, and sometimes even teasing me. But I love them, at least I have someone to share this hopeless story. When will this story end, I am tired of my role.

When I close my eyes, I see a scene, where I see lots of people, all in black. Lots of leaves, more on roads than on trees, I hear that mourning sound of floating dried leaves on the road. Sometimes in the air, sometimes kissing the road and then again with the wind. I see those people in black, sympathy in their eyes, looking at the one in the coffin performing the final act of his story, probably the easiest one, you don't have to show emotions, no way you can utter words. All you have to do is lay there, still, eyes closed. Isn't that easy? And the next moment I see those people in black whispering when the earth has swallowed the existence of the dead. Gradually one by one everybody disperses, even those who loved the dead. What is left behind is haunting voices, whispers of silence, and leaves everywhere, gently assuring the dead, you are not alone, we are there for you. Just surrender yourself to the winds. These winds, so cold on face, so soft on skin, and so harsh on heart.

I see some faces, their shadows. They have intruded even in my dreams. I would love to forget these faces, these entities of past keep haunting me in the present. In particular, I see a face I loved a lot; I see the beauty, which only I discovered. I see her going away, disappearing in the extreme intensity of light. No, no please don't go, don't leave me here alone. You remember, you did some promises, its time to show that you meant what you said. I have some questions, but no one can answer except the one who has long gone. I miss her, I see the winds touching her face as I used to. I see them (winds) playing with her long silky hair as my fingers used to play. I see her clothes kissing her skin as I would have kissed her. I see her eyes with a bit of “kajol” looking at me with a kind of love, which I see in the eyes of none. I still remember how I used to hold her soft hands in mine, I remember that feel and warmth of her presence, those tiny droplets of sweat on her forehead, her smell, those three dimples, that angel smile spreading orchids everywhere. I see everything, every time, all the time, everywhere. I remember everything, every time, all the time, everywhere.

How many died?...how many are dead?

Lets Start with a question, say you are blind, then what would be your priority, Eyes or Beautiful Eyes? In almost all the cases priority would be given to eyes, because as a blind person you would look for eyes, beautiful or not...doesn't matter. At least I used to think so.

But not many agree with me, including the news channel. Last night I was listening to radio, and the radio jockey said "Almost 20,000 people died in China's Earthquake" Since I was out whole day, I was clueless about the earthquake, and it came as a shock. I felt something heavy inside me, probably that was a little of the weight of the people who died in the earthquake. Though I don't like China, but still who died were people...human beings. People having families, having a life(till yesterday) just like any other person on this earth. But now all had vanished in the tremors of some plates miles beneath our feet.

I wanted to know more about the earthquake, so I switched on the TV, expecting TV channels would be showing full coverage of that disaster. But guess what, not even a single news channel mentioned anything about it, except few occasional lines appearing on the bottom of the screen mentioning the China's earthquake. Channels were more interested in a wrestler's fucking life. Some were busy with entertainment news, like bollywood chit-chats, cricket bonanza, some sex maniac father raping her daughter..and I don't know what not.

Have the priorities changed? Has life taken a back seat? Is life so cheap that nobody cares anymore? Is this the so called bloody PERFECT way to live, where no one cares about others, death of 20 grand people affects none, leave alone the tears, nobody even FEELS the sorrow. Are we dead...more dead than those who died in China? So many questions, and I have NO answer. But wait the real shocker was about to come, it came when after endless surfing among all the news channels I found one news reader telling the TOP STORIES of the day, I waited to listen for China's earthquake, it came but only after he had told everything about IPL(see priorities have really changed), after the long wait the news caster says "About 20,000 people are said to have died in the China's earthquake" WITH A SMILE. Yes that bastard had a smile on his face while reading this news. As if he was making a fool out of us.

I was puzzled, confused...sad? Yes I was..for the stoicism, lifelessness of life. For I found out there are not just 20,000 who died last night, there are many who have died long ago, heartbeats still making noise, but hearts have slept forever. Those moments were anguishing, and I could clearly hear Jack Johnson singing...

"A million people died on the news tonight, but not so many cried at the terrible sight
My mama says, it just make believe, you can't believe everything you see, so baby close your eyes to the lullabies on the news tonight....
why don't the news casters cry when they tell about people who died, atleast they could be decent enough to put just a tear in their eyes
My mama says...."

Last Few Days

No, don't even think I am about to die, I am talking about the last few days of my college life(for now). Four wonderful years of engineering, and when they passed, I didn't even notice. Time flew by quietly like a thief, without even warning me about the precious memories it stole as it went away!

I still remember my first day in institute, how I entered the main entrance gate scared from the "HUNGRY FOR RAGGING" seniors, excited about the coming future, anxious about the way my classmates would behave. All so many things I had in my head while I searched for my class. I remember how we(me and my friends) used to be in the first year. With time boldness grew older as well, and we started bunking classes, used to run from the Mathematics class AFTER attendance. There are so many memories in every corner of my head, stored like mini clips, and I play them, whenever, wherever I want. Memories are still so fresh that it looks like only yesterday I was in the first year, and now here I am...about be thrown out of the college after four years.

The most amazing part is the drastic changes around and within me. Yes, I have changed, a lot, I don't know whether for good or bad, but I have changed. From cold drinks to beer to whiskey to rum to ciggs! Yes I have changed and so have people around me. Some have grown fatter, some have shrunk further, some people are noticed by the size of their tummies while some others are noticed by their muscles! Probably from boyhood to manhood, all have changed.

And suddenly a sinking feeling comes and says "Dude, its all over now". A hungry world awaits, jobs, so called responsibilities are waiting patiently to put the burden on me, while my heart still want to be with my friends, still wants to spend some time with friends under a tree sipping chilled beer.

These four years have given me some nice friends, and foes(nice ones!) as well! I have gained hell lot of knowledge( I doubt though) and a bit of experience (No matter how much you gain, it still looks small). I will miss my days, my friends, my college life, bunking classes, troubling teachers, reading newspaper in the classroom, drinking beer in the college campus, finishing practical work in the last minute, outdoor trips with friends, "BIRD WATCHING", though there were not many beautiful birds but still I will miss my favorite job!

I really don't know what's next, but I will miss everything about the last four years. I don't know how to end this, shall I wish good luck to all my friends AND foes, nay, I don't think so, then shall I leave an emotional message for them, NOWAY!

mmmm.... Lets leave it just like this..incomplete...my friends are smart enough to figure out what I am saying.

Life Of A Dream...

Dream, a word which still fascinates me. The most mystifying, magical, and amazing word in my dictionary. In short I love this word dream. Last night I was thinking about I don’t know what and then suddenly a line popped up in my mind… “Life Of a Dream”.

I don’t know from where a dream starts its journey, a journey which often ends in a sad story, a journey which often ends with the death of that dream, just like human beings. Are dreams like human beings? Do they have a life as well? Do they have their own moments of happiness and sorrows? Just like us?

Lets start with a dream, unborn, still not into existence, somewhere behind the clouds of uncertainty it waits for its time to come. It comes, without even knocking the doors of our consciousness. It settles itself in our life like it won’t leave us now, not even if the world asks it to, as if it would carry on even after we lose our own existence. Then a time comes when we feel its presence, “Aaaahhh…a DREAM” we exclaim, so nice so beautiful, so soft on soul, so sweet in taste. A point comes when it's hard to say what to do next, and we think “Should I jump, should I yell from a high point and tell others about MY so precious dream?” That’s a magical period, hard to explain, believe me what I have written is not a single percent of what I felt. It’s just a small effort to give you an Idea of the happiness when a new dream arrives in your heart. The situation is almost like when a new baby is born, the world changes, suddenly, life seems colorful, all we see is the spring of smiles. Yes, exactly, that’s exactly what happens when one feels the dream. Even for me the world had changed, even a colorblind like me saw colors…yes it really happened. That’s the magic, call it the power of dream. Yes, that exactly how we welcome the birth of a new dream, that’s exactly how I welcomed mine.

Life looks like a blossoming garden, so colorful, various flowers of hope spreading the aroma of brightness in it. Grass on ground like the bed made of soft snowy clouds, air full with the freshness of the dream. Am I exaggerating? No I am not, believe me…I am not. That’s how life looks like…until…until we hear a slap. This slap is a very interesting word. Harsh in its taste, short just like its effect, sharp just like the wounds it gives, "never healing ones". Yes that’s how slap works. Short, quick, sharp, effective, and deadly. I call them the slaps of life, yes life slaps, not to hurt you, but to give you a shape which would help to face the winds of troubles. But it hurts, a lot. So that's how the "Slap Of Life" introduces you to the reality.

Slap may come from any corner, but comes from where you expect the least. A slap comes and suddenly the whole garden turns in a sea of sand, burning from beneath, blazing from north. That’s how it happens, and before you realize slap shatters the dream into a million pieces, pieces bleeding, blood oozing out of the edges of shattered dreams. We cry, we moan. Moan is an extremely soft word for the harshest feeling which I wanted to describe. That’s how the dream ends...in a flash. Thats how the life of a dream ends.

But wait, cycle never stops, we don’t stop dreaming after someone brutally murders a dream. We dream, dream like a king, king of a virtual world, world of a dream. Again we go through everything, but still every feeling looks a new one, better than the previous one.

That is how life and dreams keep going on…hands in hand.

This is life and a dream

This is a life of a dream

First few words...

Many have lived a life; many have spent years here, searching for something unknown, unseen. Many have done this, and many will do the same thing. I don’t know what people want, what they are looking for...But deep down in my heart, I think I have a vague idea of what I want. I say, many have lived a life, let's live a dream for a change. No matter how shattered and withered time and people have made it. No matter how much it has bled by the hands of dream murderers, but still it’s the only thing which is mine. It is MY dream. No one can snatch my dream from me until my body rests in peace. Even then probably my soul will carry the candle of dream. In the pain of this very dream, I will live, with pain reminding me that I am ALIVE. Feeling proud of the fact that unlike others I have not forgotten what life was meant for, what live expects from us. I will live…with my dreams. One day, I will...

This a place, where I will share my life, my dreams, my sorrows, my pains...You all must be thinking Happiness is missing in this list of sharing, but Nay, I didn't include it, because there are already many to share that with.

This place would reflect my thoughts, my mood...and most importantly Me.
You all are welcome to view and comment upon them as and when you wish. If you understand them, good. If not, even better. 'Cause I don't expect anything from you. Neither do I want you to expect anything from me.

As my title says, I am a Peregrine, from the west of sunset, a place beyond Sun, darkest of all.