From my archives..I SEE

A search in the desert of pain, directionless, purposeless. It has no definition, no existence. Nothing to prove, nothing to show. All it has is the loneliness. The music of winds is as if restless souls crying for salvation. It is a kind of music played during requiem. I "m in a search of what I don"t know, I follow a voice which comes from where I don't know, I keep moving to where I don't know. I am a peregrine, I travel not an inch on the roads but miles in my thoughts, I eat nothing but my own soul, I breath nothing just the winds of painful desert. A desert which has no beginning, neither I see any end of it. I see the stars in the sky, without them, I don't like the sky. In these stars, I see my life like a collection of million stories. Each in its place, few of them linked together, just like the constellations, few are too dim to be seen, but still they exist. I see them watching me, as if they are enjoying this story of mine, a story I hate, my life. I see them laughing, weeping, and sometimes even teasing me. But I love them, at least I have someone to share this hopeless story. When will this story end, I am tired of my role.

When I close my eyes, I see a scene, where I see lots of people, all in black. Lots of leaves, more on roads than on trees, I hear that mourning sound of floating dried leaves on the road. Sometimes in the air, sometimes kissing the road and then again with the wind. I see those people in black, sympathy in their eyes, looking at the one in the coffin performing the final act of his story, probably the easiest one, you don't have to show emotions, no way you can utter words. All you have to do is lay there, still, eyes closed. Isn't that easy? And the next moment I see those people in black whispering when the earth has swallowed the existence of the dead. Gradually one by one everybody disperses, even those who loved the dead. What is left behind is haunting voices, whispers of silence, and leaves everywhere, gently assuring the dead, you are not alone, we are there for you. Just surrender yourself to the winds. These winds, so cold on face, so soft on skin, and so harsh on heart.

I see some faces, their shadows. They have intruded even in my dreams. I would love to forget these faces, these entities of past keep haunting me in the present. In particular, I see a face I loved a lot; I see the beauty, which only I discovered. I see her going away, disappearing in the extreme intensity of light. No, no please don't go, don't leave me here alone. You remember, you did some promises, its time to show that you meant what you said. I have some questions, but no one can answer except the one who has long gone. I miss her, I see the winds touching her face as I used to. I see them (winds) playing with her long silky hair as my fingers used to play. I see her clothes kissing her skin as I would have kissed her. I see her eyes with a bit of “kajol” looking at me with a kind of love, which I see in the eyes of none. I still remember how I used to hold her soft hands in mine, I remember that feel and warmth of her presence, those tiny droplets of sweat on her forehead, her smell, those three dimples, that angel smile spreading orchids everywhere. I see everything, every time, all the time, everywhere. I remember everything, every time, all the time, everywhere.