We all need a bit of Sunshine

You know that feeling when the clouds give way to the Sun and the first beaming warmth touches your skin? A relief, a warm cozy feeling? That's what my Popo is to me, just that the clouds are too thick, everything is beyond my reach. I can only watch and wait for gloomy past to give way so that she can shine again and send her warmth to me.

Andheri Raat (Dark Night)

 Jabse gayi ho, sab kuch bas ek andheri raat hai, aur main sunsaan galiyon mein savera dhoondta aavaara.

(Ever since you left, everything is just a long dark night, and I am the vagabond, searching the streets for sunrise.)

Come popo!

Pops, I miss you. I miss those cute habits of yours. When will you talk to me? Never? Really? One life, and you want to punish me that bad? Can we not look at any other punishment? Something which keeps me close to you, rest doesnt matter, any other punishment would work.

Fashionista Popo

 Today in the strategy calls, for almost three hours we discussed Gucci and how it re-emerged. I realized how less I know about that industry and then I thought how well you would be able to participate in that class. Missed your insights. Maybe last night I would have discussed the case with you, had you been in my life.

You are pretty close

 I don't know god, never understood the concept. People remember God first thing in the morning. If I go by that logic, it is you who I think about when I wake up. Not bad Pops, you are almost close to being God. If not for the entire world, at least for me.

Haivaan (Monster)

 Aaine me khud ko dekha to ehsaas hua kita badsurat hun main

(I saw myself in the mirror and realized how ugly I am)

Kis nazar se dekhun khud ko, kaise bhool jaaun kis kism ka haivaan hun main.

(How do I see myself, how do I forget what kind of monster I am.)

What did I do?

Popos! I miss your cute smile, I miss your funny dance and I miss your warm hugs. It happens everyday, I miss you every moment. I am not mourning anymore, I am simply regretting it. If I could, I would run to you and never let you go anywhere again.

Melancholy.

 Melancholy is the best way to describe what I am feeling. I try to find you in the twinkling stars and in the bustling streets. I try to reach out to you, the heart sinks and the hollowness your departure has created swallows my entire existence and I reach a restless stage where I question every step which brought me towards you and then I question everything that led to my rightful destruction. 

I miss you Pops, no matter how many times I say it, I fucking you miss you beyond words and with a force which shatters my heart every moment. 

pops

Pops, I beg you. SAVE ME.

Toofan (Storm)

Jaane kaisa toofaan tha,

Dont know what kind of storm it was,

Ek din aaya, aur sab kuch lekar chala gaya

One day it came and took away my all my possessions,

Ek jaan chodi hai,

It spared my life

Par mera dil-e-gulistan lekar chala gaya

But it took away my sweetheart

Here I am

 Here I am Pops, piss drunk and yet the loneliest I have ever felt. Its such an irony, I am paying for exactly the same thing, I am paying such a huge cost. I thought of messaging you, but I know just having your number doesn't mean I can. You should give me credit at least for knowing that bit even when I am sloshed. Here I am, thinking about you, every single day, I cannot call you, I cannot hear your voice. 

Here you go Pops, thats the best punishment you could have ever given me. I am not saying this punishment isnt legitimate, I am just saying I hope you know for those 4 nights, I am being continuously punished, and its all worth it, because I did something very wrong to you.

You know what would be crazy though, that day when you call me, to tell me I am forgiven, the day I hear your voice. Crazy dream right? I know, don't tell me its impossible, in a way I know, I just don't have the guts to admit it. Let me live in my own dream, you shall stay mine forever.

All this I wanted to tell you, and yet I cannot. I use this lifeless blog as your pseudo so that I can tell you about my day everyday. What a life.

Registan (Desert)

Unka jaana kaafi mehnga pada,

Her departure (from my life) was costly

Bazaaron mein phir se bikau hona pada

 Once again I became a commodity in the market

Unki hanseen ko dekhe ho gaya arsa

Its been a long time since I last saw her smile

Dil-e-Jannat ko registan hona pada

The oasis of my heart turned into a desert.

Aankhon Dekhi (Seen with eyes)

 Ab to hansee bhi nahi aati, zamaana hans raha hai,

Now I don't laugh, its the world which laughs

Log kehte hain mera dil-o-jaan kahin aur bas raha hai

People say the diamond of my heart has found a new heart.

Carbon Neutral

 Nowadays being Carbon neutral is kind of in fashion. Every organization who wants to "look good" in the books of their customers or stakeholder simply announces they plan to be carbon neutral in next 10-15 years. But there is a catch here? They have no plans around how they would do it, if not all, then at least most of them do not have a clue what they are talking about.

At the same time, we must ask what is the definition of being Carbon Neutral. Right now, those companies who say they are carbon neutral based on what they produce, or in other words based on their final product/outcome. But essentially what they do is that they push that carbon to someone else. Its more of carbon pushing than being carbon neutral. Pushing the carbon to someone else is not really being Carbon Neutral is it?

A simple principle we must remember, as long as we continue to defy nature and continue to live outside that nature, nothing is and nothing will be carbon neutral. Sounds pessimistic, but allow me to explain with an example. Lets take electric cars as an example. Tesla manufactures some of the most sleek and electric cars. It is a technological marvel. I admire Elon Musk and I admire Tesla. Now since these Tesla cars are electric cars, one might say that these cars lower the emission. Do they? Lets explore what all emissions we are not considering when looking at these cars.

Lets start with the batteries. The soul of electric cars. Batteries are made of chemicals, and chemicals do not simply appear on their own, they need to be manufactured. Did we take into account what the emissions are for those chemicals? How about all the charging these cars require. Isn't it true that most of the electricity in this world is still made by burning some kind of fuel? In that case, isn't that charging which we now need to do, instead of directly burning fuels in a traditional car, leads to emissions? Just because electric cars do not have an exhaust pipe doesn't mean these cars do not add to carbon emissions.

In my opinion we should derive some kind of formula to calculate the "net carbon emission" for products. For example, for electric cars - 

Net carbon emission of an electric car = Sum of all carbon emissions associated with manufacturing of all parts + Average number of charges per year x Useful life of the car x Carbon emissions per charge + Carbon emissions required for disposal of car after its useful life + Carbon emissions associated with the sale of that car.

Tedious?! Of course its going to be a tedious process, saving our environment is no easy thing. once the net emission of the electric car is zero, only then we should call it carbon neutral.

I might sound cynical, but in my head, I have a simple rule. As long as we draw resources on a large scale with ambition to grow year after year with no end in sight, there is simply no way for any business to be carbon neutral.

Everyday, when we wake up, we fight the nature, we strive to stay away from nature. We have ACs because its hot, central heating because its cold, concrete buildings because we are scared of the outside, we need a bed to sleep on, because its nice to feel soft when we go to sleep, we need plates and forks and spoon to eat because that ways we look civilized!, we need 24 hour hot water because we never know when we might need it, we need bathing salts because it smells nice, we need insect repellants because they annoy us, we need chemicals to wash our hair and body because that makes us feel clean. I could go on for days, the point is, every morning when we wake up, we do everything possible to stay away from nature. We only like nature when we look outside the window or those walks where we are happy to see a tree and a lake, otherwise we humans are pretty happy to stay in our man made cocoons. 

As long as we continue to live outside nature, as long as we draw resources from the nature at an industrial scale, with no time for nature to replenish the resources, how on earth can we be carbon neutral.

Next time, when you sit in an airconditioned room, ask yourself, are you not emitting carbon, without even moving a single bone?

Reserved Forever

 Mariana Trench is supposed to be the deepest place on earth, and yet the gaping hole in my heart right now, it seems, is the deepest and darkest place. Pops, I am certain that without you, it shall forever remain an empty space. Life is hollow, and the haunting echoes of past are troublesome. No amount of anything I do can ever fill that special space you had, and the special space which will always be for you. 

If my heart were a bar, it has one table and its reserved for you forever.

Tougher than I thought

I tried drawing you Pops! It was one of those baby photos of yours where you are standing on the table with a huge toothless smile. You know how much I love that pic. I tried, but boy I suck at drawing, all three attempts failed. I will practice more and hopefully one day I will post what I draw and hopefully it will resemble you! I miss you chubby cheeks.

Should I?

 Remember Pops, once it happened, I refused to talk and was very angry and I wouldn't meet you and you came and sat down at the bar and refused to go without meeting me? You met me, we were fine after that. I wonder what would happen if I did that. Would you meet me? Would that be a good idea?

Tomb of memories

 I find it disheartening that all I have of you is memories, as if I am building a tomb of memories, where all that lives is your memory. Wish there was a way, I could be closer and make things happen. Wish we could exist in reality, somewhere only we know. But hey, I didn't say its bad to have your memories, I am glad I at least have them, if not you. But the heart wants more!

Toothless

She had a toothless smile when she was a baby. She was damn cute as a baby, not to say she was not cute when she grew up. One day I was working on some problem, and I have this habit of staring into empty space when I am thinking. So I turned in my chair, and there she was sitting at her desk, quietly chewing on a banana, her lips were pursed and her cheeks were round and she was eating the banana like a squirrel. She noticed and that I am watching her, she stopped chewing and looked at me in this clueless way, hard to describe, but very easy to fall in love with. Apart from her kid pics, thats the cutest sight I must have ever seen. 

Tumhari Parchai (Your Shadow)

Kisi ki jannat ho tum, Kisi ka jashn ho tum,

(You are someone's heaven, You are someone's joy)

Humare khwabon ko bas tumhari parchai hee naseeb hui

(My dreams could only get your shadow)

Fighting the Equilibrium

 We die, that's the truth. If you ask why do we die, there is a simple answer, because our organs or something else which makes us function and keeps us alive fails and that results in death. Deeper question why do organs and functions stop at all. If I keep adding calories and nutrients, why would the organs stop working. That in a way tells us we all come with an expiry date, irrespective of what we do, we are all born with expiry date. That expiry date can change based on our habits and lifestyle choices, but we can never get rid of that expiry date.

I was watching a very beautiful video on Microcosmos (link below), and the narrator says life is a chemical system that uses energy to to keep itself from reaching equilibrium. What is equilibrium? It means essentially we are made up of things that want us to die so that those things can reach equilibrium- their final state.

It is odd considering it is the same system which wants to keep us alive. So the things which want to keep us alive also want us to die. For all that we are made of, its a constant fight with itself. A fight which we win most of the days, but lose on that one fine day which becomes the end of us. 

Losing equilibrium as we now know is lethal. I wonder if there is an emotional equilibrium which keeps us alive. A constant fight between the hope and despair, love and hate, anger and joy, chaos and calm. To me all these emotions boil down to one- "Sense of Purpose". Every other emotion is just a by-product of this one emotion. To me, sense of purpose is that fight against the equilibrium which keeps us alive.

I lost that sense of purpose ever since she left (she left because I was horrible). Ever since then there is a void, its like the mother of all emotions died and slowly gradually the by-products have disappeared. 

PS:I am leaving this beautiful thought provoking video below - 

Exhausted

   I am simply exhausted by the sheer number of "to-dos" which I constantly have on any given day nowadays. But more than anything else I am exhausted for not having her to share my sorrows and joys and the complaints and insights and the experiences. Having her was so vital for life, for my sanity and for my calmness, everything is difficult without her, even living. 

Pops, Whats is it for you

Pops, what would be the most memorable day for you, no no, not with me, but I meant, in your entire 28 years of your existence, what was your most memorable part existence.

For me, it was that snowy day you kissed me. The most magical moment of my life.

Never Asked

Our last conversation echos in my head, she called, said we will not talk anymore and I accepted.

I wonder if she wonders why I never stopped her, why I did not ever try to stop her from changing her mind. I wonder if she thinks I wanted it as well.

Thats not true, I want her so much, if I could, I would beg her everyday to not do it, but I didn't, that's because I know her so well, I don't know anyone else as well as I know her. I knew my begging, or whatever I would say would not matter because her heart had left, it wasnt with me. That was the soul of our relation, her heart. Once the soul had left, what should have I tried to save, the rotting carcass of our love?

There is nothing worse than not having a chance to save what is close to your heart.

Room to make mistakes

I think humans treat each other very harshly, the room to make mistakes is always zero, simply no room.

For once, if only for few moments, we could cease to be someone's sister or son or father or mother or daughter, and just be humans, we would acknowledge each others' imperfections, we would be less harsh to each other.

We underestimate the power of accepting imperfections, we underestimate the power of forgiveness.

Forgiveness can change lives, can change entire futures, can be the sunlight on a gloomy day for eternity.

As of now I find life very cruel. I am not saying I find life unfair, just very cruel and there is a fine line.

Yes I know what you might say, actions have consequences, and I completely agree. But consequences could be accompanied by foregiveness. Consequences should not be as definite as death, else we will all die everyday.

One death is enough, lets not kill each other everyday. It would be a lot better, if the world could be a little less of everything.

Highest cost

What is the most expensive thing that you have ever bought? Or let me reframe the question, what is the highest cost that you have ever paid in your life? Was it worth it?

I suddenly realize, that its not monetary, I compromised my future, that is what I paid, thats what it costed me. A beautiful future.

Its not just me who paid this price, even she did, and it was not even her fault. Sounds a little cocky that I am assuming here that she also thought future with me would have been very beautiful, but even if not that, I know she saw some kind of loving and caring future with me and thats the price she paid. No fault of hers, she paid the price of being with me, of knowing me and of trusting me.

Forever I will have to carry this guilt, not just for breaking her trust but that I jeopardized her future. Forever I will have to carry the burden of this guilt. I destroyed "us".

Let that sink in.

Would you?

 I am scared to look into your eyes and explain why I did what I did, probably because there is nothing that I say would ever be enough to explain it. But I want to look into your eyes, and hold your hand to ask you for forgiveness and for another chance. 

Would you? 

Would you be able to see past the mistake? Would you be able to see that my love for you is not limited till that one mistake? Would you find it in you to forgive this idiot guy once? Would let him curl up next to you like old days?

I hope you would.