Time and Mind

Have you noticed it? Time and mind going in opposite direction? Time refuses to stop, continues to march on, and my mind drifts away in the past, recalls those memories where I was happy, where she was next to me and where we did all the silly things together. 

Between this push and pull of time and mind, I am torn to pieces. 

Each, the other's world entire

I am sitting on the couch, she is sitting right there, we have Becks open and we are watching some random movie. I am playing with her cheeks, she is holding me in her arms. I am telling her useless stuff about the movie and she, half listening to me, is quietly watching the movie. I tell her I am hungry, we are both lazy, we order a Pizza and we both are eagerly waiting for the pizza while sipping on our last beers. We are eating that pizza, not many words are exchanged, but we both know how much the other person would eat, there are no surprises there, we don't need words. Now we are full and the movie has ended and we are sleepy, we both somehow drag ourselves to the bed and she slips into her night clothes, I am waiting for her to join me under the cold blanket, so that I can snuggle up to her and find some warmth. She enters the blanket and plays with my tummy, which she is strangely fascinated with. Now the bed is warm and we feel cozy, I am spooning her and then suddenly I hear the sound of her lips opening like a fish and I know she is sleeping, in her rhythmic breathing I find my own rhythm and my eyes are heavy, I am about to sleep, with perfect knowledge that tomorrow I will wake up next to her, and we will be each other's world again.

It brings a smile.

Finding her

You know how personal losses can change you, it happened to me too. Nowadays I try to find her in her own dreams, every day, hoping I would enter her dream and for few moments we would be together again. I don't want to convince her about something, I just want to spend some time with her because thats where my peace is, if dreams is where it happens, I will take it. 

One more day, one more try.

Coma

I read about an Italian lady who woke up from coma after ten months. I wonder if she noticed how much did the world change. I wonder if her world changed or not in these ten months. 

Mine changed while I was fully awake, in all my senses. If her life did change, I am happy she was in coma, at least she didnt have to go through it.

I wish

 Pops, I know a terrible mistake was made on my end. I am sorry beyond words, but I love you so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You are simply an amazing person and I want to share everything with you, right from my t-shirts to all my successes and failures. I made a mistake and I will make amends. I will travel to Turkey and visit your parents, and tell them how sorry I am and ask for forgiveness, I will tell them just because a family member makes a mistake, you don't throw the member out of the family forever. You give them a chance, and I will ask for that chance. After all we are family remember? I will meet you in December and formally propose you with a ring and then I will call up my parents and introduce you to them and finally announce that I am going to marry this amazing girl. After that I will call up my sisters and tell them I found my soulmate and introduce you to them. I will create an Instagram account, add every single person I know in this world and then post our ring photo and tell the whole world you are mine and I am yours. I will finish my education and marry you in 2022 June right after my school ends. I will figure out how to move to Europe and be with you in the same house. I will keep you happy, I will tell you everyday how much you mean to me, I will show you what your love has done to me, I will show you how you have made a man out of this stupid guy. So could you please consider again and let me part of your life, because without you, I shall remain incomplete forever.

I wish I could tell her this. I wish she would listen.

Selfies!

 Never in the history of humankind, a generation has so diligently recorded their history while achieving so little

I owe jail time

I should be in a jail. 

No, not the ones we have everywhere for people who break laws, but a different kind of prison. Ruining lives, breaking people and their trust  and altering (not in a good way) some lives forever, these are all crimes which I am guilty of, and I wish there were prisons for such crimes because that is where I belong.

Past is my future

Happyness, a weird abstract feeling that we all seek in our future.I might not have a future, but I have the past. I will live with you there in the past Pops. Right there is my happyness.

On Mute

First she left.

Then there were words, and then it seemed even the words have left, 

Now that's what's left- me and my muted thoughts.

See you in another life, when we are both bunnies

"Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around"

I wish it was true. Maybe thats what separates fiction from reality..bitter truth.

Lets Resign

 Dear blog,

It might sound wrong and utterly disgusting and controversial and all the bad things one can come up with, but I have started wondering where are all those mass shooters, why cant they do it where I live. I ll be done, and with me, all the issues will come to an end.

An end to a useless life is better than dragging it on, something like chess, once you know beyond hope that you will lose, you resign. I wonder why that option doesn't exist in real life.

No point

 I think I have reached a stage where even death doesn't seem to be a permanent solution. Do you understand what and to which extent you have to mess your life up to feel that way? I could tell you, but then I will have to kill you.

Indifference

 I don't hate the fact that someone whose eyes were always full of love for me would never talk to me again, what I hate is that she would never has those lovely eyes for me again, not even in her thoughts, all that would remain is indifference. Devastating.

Relativity at work

Everything looks so distant. It seems I was home ages ago, it seems I left Turkey ages ago, it seems I have been in this new places for ages. I wonder why.

Addiction is a B#%@$

It is towards the end of the day when I am too weak to hold my guard, the loneliness creeps in.

As a smoker I can say that trying not to be lonely or trying to accept the loneliness takes more effort than trying to not smoke. Its an addiction, my fingers take me to people I want to talk to, but I cannot and it is tough to control. 

Every day I feel as if its a new day, habit refuses to build, every day I wake up with the same fresh wound, with no healing at sight.

People say when going gets tough, tough gets going, and I am trying every single day, waiting for that day when I am over this addiction.

The only thing I can do is take it one day at a time.

swirling thought

What do you lose when you lose? I think everytime a little bit of life is what you really lose with every loss.

Incoherent thoughts of a sleepless night

The kind of things I have done, life seems like a series of mistakes. Some beautiful memories are associated with those mistakes, making everything bittersweet. More bitter than sweet I must say and I wonder, was it all worth it? Would I live the way I have so far and commit the same mistakes if I had another chance at life. I have gone through the pivotal moments of my life and I can say except for that one mistake, I would make all the mistakes I made. Is that what regret is, that one mistake you wish you could take back? I think so, if thats not regret, I dont know what is a regret.

Anyhow, as people say, I must move on on the path that I have chosen and face the music. And what? Should I make more mistakes? At this point I am too tired and full of remorse, I dont think I want to make even one more mistake. Wish there was a time machine and I could correct just one mistake, and I would have been so happy, I bet I could give my life for it. Wishes don't come true. 

What can I do, all thats left is waiting and wishing.

Artificial Intelligence or Artificial Awareness

So I was randomly selected for a drug swab test at the airport, I know that its not a person who is selecting people and judging them based on their race, color, nationality and age, and that its done by an algorithm (AI) which in turn learns to select people randomly based on the past data which has been fed in it for the AI to learn what kind of people were searched in the past and have higher probability of using/smugging drugs. I do understand that.


What if that past data being fed in AI itself is baised because past data does include searches done by humans who were in some or all ways baised. What if the past bais continues to seep into our present.


Some people would say, but hey the past data contains the profile of people who were caught, and maybe AI is doing the right thing. Well lets look at it this way, if in the past you checked 5 women for every 100 men, then naturally more men will be caught, simply because the sample size is significantly bigger. Maybe had they checked more females, they would have caught more females, but that didn't happen and now our dear AI thinks well women are not high risk based on the past data, why should i check them more now! I would continue to pay more attention to males.


This logic can be applied for gender, age, color, nationality or anything that you might think of. If you never looked in a particular direction, how would you find anything there.


Its a vicious cycle. AI learns to be biased, quite unconsciously, based on the previous data, then all the actions it takes, based on that baised past data, are also fed into the AI for it to continue learning, which kind of further cements that bias in the algorithm.


Artificial Intelligence is not really intelligence, its just imitating behaviours to increase the probability of success in whatever that algorithm was built for, based on the data fed into it. 


It is critical that we understand that AI, no matter how good, is not at all aware. AI isnt aware how racial profiling was wrong or that we as humans want to change it now. AI isnt aware of apartheid or colonialism or any of the social issues which we has human race have faced and have tried to correct. AI lacks that insight. AI has no sense of wrong or right, or compassion, its just a monkey which imitates whatever you do, only faster and very accurately. It makes us more efficient and accurate but it doesnt make us more correct.


While it is good that AI in several areas has been quite useful, and I am not writing this article to blame anyone or the AI for the bias existing in the system, I believe the next version of Artificial Intelligence would be Artificial Awareness something which would be able to, unlike humans, think rationally and will be able to distinguish between good and bad, would be aware of the history, would take into consideration the collective intellect of humans before it makes a decision. I know it sounds impossible, but then whatever humans have achieved at some point looked impossible. Someday it will become a reality and oh boy that would be something!

Turkish touch to a Tibetian custom

In Tibet, when someone is going, he is offered a cup of Yak butter tea, but that tea is not to drink, instead it lies there untouched waiting for the reunion of the dear ones. I first saw it in a movie, then researched a bit and it is indeed an old tradition.

Today is my last day in Istanbul, which I knew had to come some day or the other. I always imagined I would have one last beer at Harp with my pepper. Neither Harp is open, nor my pepper is with me. So I opened a beer, took a sip, held it to Harp and my Pepper and left it at Harp's gate, hoping for a reunion someday. 

You were sorely missed Pops!

It might seem like a stupid thing to do, but given all terrible and dumb things I have done in life, this seemed pretty normal.

Why so Hectic?

 Last couple of months have been stressful, full of bad moments and at the same time sad moments. Nowadays I am busy in making arrangements for my travel and next destination. Its so hectic that I don't even have time to think back on the time spent in Istanbul. The city I love, and the city which loved me back.

Sometimes, I think one should have some time to at least say a proper good bye. Alas, thats not the luxury I will have as I leave my beloved city.