Insanity

There is this insanity here. All you do is run, although its never clear what I am running behind. But it does keep you occupied, in that ways this insanity is good. After all day doing something which has no meaning, when I come back and your thought touches me, it has the same effect as water has on a drying up plant. I feel the life in me, I feel the softness, I feel the juices running in me again. 

Your thought makes me see the insanity in its true colors and it lets me detach myself from that insanity. But then I miss you so much, that I almost feel guilty of feeling alive and somewhere I start wishing for insanity. Thats what my punishment is, to live an insane life while being dead inside, keeping you as a mere spark, but nothing more, not enough to revive me, but enough so I remember what I lost, what I destroyed.

I miss you Pops. Everyday.

It matters why you change.

 Someone asked me, what would you do if you got to know today is the last day, at 12 midnight you'll die?

I first thought about it and my initial thoughts included flipping few people, calling popo to hear her voice for the last time, making sure my parents accept this and what not. But then something occurred and I said to my friend "I would live it just the way I have been living but yeah I will call her for the last time for sure." 

My friend was a little surprised that I would not do anything out of the ordinary. So I asked him, you know you are going to die someday. The awareness of our eventual death already exists, but I still live the way we live, then why change anything even if I get to know I'll be dead tomorrow.

If I should change, then I should change because of the life that I want to live, not because I am about to die soon. 

But yeah, as a last wish, I will still call her, if only to get her wrath.

Echoes

I miss your laughter, it echoes in my head, the only place I can hear it. I wonder if you still laugh like that. If you still go all mad and do your happy dance! I miss you pops!

One Step Closer

Its my birthday month, an event which I refuse to celebrate. My friend asked me why and I told him, birthday is like a reminder that I am one step closer to Death!

My friend said looking at how the world is, its not essentially a bad thing, you should celebrate that you are closer to death now. And I told him -

I had come screaming into this world, I shall go quietly!

The Unsaid Message

 You've got to be a better than this Pops.

                                                   -- Pops

 I would like to believe thats what she wanted to tell me. Missing you Pops as always.    

MItti Ka Toota Khilauna (Broken Toy made of Soil)

Mitti ka toota khilauna hun

I am a broken toy

Kuch adhoora sa, kuch bikhra sa

A little incomplete, a little less

Waqt ki dararon se lipta sa

Covered with the cracks of time

Baahar se toota hun, Andar se toota hun

I am broken from the outside, I am broken from the outside

Bhooton se bhara hun, kaali raaton se ghira hun,

I am full of the demons, and surrounded by the dark nights

Kal ki yadon se lipta hun, kal ke aane se dara hun

I am hugging your memories and scared of the future

Aaj bhi lagta hai sambhal sakta hun

Even today I think I will be fine

Aaj bhi lagta hai jud sakta hun

Even today I think I can become a whole

Ummeed hai aur mayoosi bhi

I have the hope but hoplesness too

Thoda sa zinda hun, thoda mara bhi

I am a bit alive, but a little dead too⁷

Kangan (Bracelet)

 Uske haathon mein bas hum hee jachte the,

(Only I used to suit her hands just the right way,)

Daava...sone ka kangan bhi karta tha

(Even her golden bracelet used to claim the same)

The golden bracelet won.

We all need a bit of Sunshine

You know that feeling when the clouds give way to the Sun and the first beaming warmth touches your skin? A relief, a warm cozy feeling? That's what my Popo is to me, just that the clouds are too thick, everything is beyond my reach. I can only watch and wait for gloomy past to give way so that she can shine again and send her warmth to me.

Andheri Raat (Dark Night)

 Jabse gayi ho, sab kuch bas ek andheri raat hai, aur main sunsaan galiyon mein savera dhoondta aavaara.

(Ever since you left, everything is just a long dark night, and I am the vagabond, searching the streets for sunrise.)

Come popo!

Pops, I miss you. I miss those cute habits of yours. When will you talk to me? Never? Really? One life, and you want to punish me that bad? Can we not look at any other punishment? Something which keeps me close to you, rest doesnt matter, any other punishment would work.

Fashionista Popo

 Today in the strategy calls, for almost three hours we discussed Gucci and how it re-emerged. I realized how less I know about that industry and then I thought how well you would be able to participate in that class. Missed your insights. Maybe last night I would have discussed the case with you, had you been in my life.

You are pretty close

 I don't know god, never understood the concept. People remember God first thing in the morning. If I go by that logic, it is you who I think about when I wake up. Not bad Pops, you are almost close to being God. If not for the entire world, at least for me.

Haivaan (Monster)

 Aaine me khud ko dekha to ehsaas hua kita badsurat hun main

(I saw myself in the mirror and realized how ugly I am)

Kis nazar se dekhun khud ko, kaise bhool jaaun kis kism ka haivaan hun main.

(How do I see myself, how do I forget what kind of monster I am.)

What did I do?

Popos! I miss your cute smile, I miss your funny dance and I miss your warm hugs. It happens everyday, I miss you every moment. I am not mourning anymore, I am simply regretting it. If I could, I would run to you and never let you go anywhere again.

Melancholy.

 Melancholy is the best way to describe what I am feeling. I try to find you in the twinkling stars and in the bustling streets. I try to reach out to you, the heart sinks and the hollowness your departure has created swallows my entire existence and I reach a restless stage where I question every step which brought me towards you and then I question everything that led to my rightful destruction. 

I miss you Pops, no matter how many times I say it, I fucking you miss you beyond words and with a force which shatters my heart every moment. 

pops

Pops, I beg you. SAVE ME.

Toofan (Storm)

Jaane kaisa toofaan tha,

Dont know what kind of storm it was,

Ek din aaya, aur sab kuch lekar chala gaya

One day it came and took away my all my possessions,

Ek jaan chodi hai,

It spared my life

Par mera dil-e-gulistan lekar chala gaya

But it took away my sweetheart

Here I am

 Here I am Pops, piss drunk and yet the loneliest I have ever felt. Its such an irony, I am paying for exactly the same thing, I am paying such a huge cost. I thought of messaging you, but I know just having your number doesn't mean I can. You should give me credit at least for knowing that bit even when I am sloshed. Here I am, thinking about you, every single day, I cannot call you, I cannot hear your voice. 

Here you go Pops, thats the best punishment you could have ever given me. I am not saying this punishment isnt legitimate, I am just saying I hope you know for those 4 nights, I am being continuously punished, and its all worth it, because I did something very wrong to you.

You know what would be crazy though, that day when you call me, to tell me I am forgiven, the day I hear your voice. Crazy dream right? I know, don't tell me its impossible, in a way I know, I just don't have the guts to admit it. Let me live in my own dream, you shall stay mine forever.

All this I wanted to tell you, and yet I cannot. I use this lifeless blog as your pseudo so that I can tell you about my day everyday. What a life.

Registan (Desert)

Unka jaana kaafi mehnga pada,

Her departure (from my life) was costly

Bazaaron mein phir se bikau hona pada

 Once again I became a commodity in the market

Unki hanseen ko dekhe ho gaya arsa

Its been a long time since I last saw her smile

Dil-e-Jannat ko registan hona pada

The oasis of my heart turned into a desert.

Aankhon Dekhi (Seen with eyes)

 Ab to hansee bhi nahi aati, zamaana hans raha hai,

Now I don't laugh, its the world which laughs

Log kehte hain mera dil-o-jaan kahin aur bas raha hai

People say the diamond of my heart has found a new heart.