Drowning the Sober Self

It’s amazing how movies influence one’s own perceptions, how movies make us presume us things we would have thought about hundred times before deciding anything. Same is the case with drinking, many people ask me why do I drink? And my standard reply is “guess?”

Almost all the time I get the same reply, to forget something, “someone”! But do I? Or did u just assumed it be the reason since its portrayed this way in the movies? Well in any case the reason is so wrong, I do nothing but laugh.

Should I reveal the real reason? Well most of the times I drink because I want to. But I know what you want to know, the darker reasons. And I won’t deny, I really have darker reasons. It’s not to forget the failures, the lost love, the wounds, the pain, but I think to live those moments again without feeling the guilt or shame of living those darkest moments again, which are preceded by the life’s best moments. It’s the guilt which I want to drown, because no matter what my past is mine, no one can deny it. Not living in those moments is not an option, or probably I don’t want such an option. It’s a necessity for me. Because these were the moments which have shaped me. How can I forget them?

It’s this world which laughs at you when you express the desire to live in the past. Being sane for a long time makes me insane, for I see the ridiculous world, the stupid laws, expectations, assumptions, perceptions. It is all this that I try to drown when I drink. For those few hours I live in the past, where I want to be, I visit the corners of my heart again and again, where I want to hide myself.

Just for few hours. Is it too much to ask? I don’t know why we can’t see a human being as a simple human being different from his actions, habits, looks. Are we nothing else, were we supposed to be this hollow that few very obvious things could define us? Why aren't we able to ignore all the perceptions and assumptions when we meet someone for the first time? It is this inability which I try to drown in the alcohol. Staying sober for long is as pathetic as being buried alive. You don’t believe it? Well it is this disbelief which I want to drown.