Where Am I?

Most of you think that I am stoned ,but alas I am not. These are few of the questions which suddenly appear whenever I am reading anything related to Space, Galaxy, Stars, Planets, Big Bang Theory, String Theory, M Theory and don’t know what all.

Imagine a theory, I will take the most popular one, Big Bang Theory. It talks about the beginning of something. Something which created all the galaxies; that too billions of them. And then it talks about expansion and how it took for someone like me to be writing this article. I am not really convinced by it. Don’t worry, I will not go into mathematical theories. But, imagine this, at some point something exploded somewhere. This simple beginning of Big Bang Theory itself is so perplexing. I keep asking myself. What exploded and where? What is space? Is it the real infinite or it has boundaries too? How big it has to be for containing eleven billion galaxies which are spaced out so well that in near future and within our limited scope of knowledge and view, no two galaxies seem to be colliding with each other. And amidst all this, all these incidents happening at a very short time on a very huge timeline, I exist, counting seconds, minutes, hours and years, trying to make sense of almost seventy years of my life.

For billions of years, these planets and stars haven’t been able to make any particular sense to me. I mean I just know that they exist. But I really never understood their importance. For me, they just exist. They are floating in time, and with them I am too. Giving them company for a very short span, yet trying to make myself of some importance, value. What am I? Probably a tiny dot of diameter not more than one nanometre on this timeline, may be even less. On occasions like these, I lose faith in life. Not that I develop any kind of suicidal tendencies, but I find every action as worthless, every inactive second looks as good as an active one.

Where am I? Why am I here? Just to live? To get entangled in the trivial issues of my small life like jobs, families, friends, alcohol, weed? I think it got a little more smaller than I intended and the reader might argue that there were people like Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Dalai Lama, Hitler (well he did do something, good or bad will be discussed some other day) and so many others, they really achieved something big. I ask you really? Is that your definition of big? Doesn’t it depend from where are you seeing all this? Imagine a star, lets a Pole Star watching all this, do you think its still big? Isn’t it a joke for Pole Star, wouldn’t he see this as trivial matters of few billion people on earth? We talk so passionately of humanity; it’s amazing to notice the same humanity was non-existent some two thousand years ago and yet we ignore the earth, literally rape it, digging it deeper and deeper everyday, raping it through every hole we can create either its beneath out feet for resources or holes in our atmosphere which we created. We.

I am not saying it’s a good thing or bad thing to treat the earth the way we do. Maybe its plain necessity for our existence. My question is – Does it even matter? Look at the beginning of all this. It’s a vague explosion of something somewhere. The way this story starts might not be one of the best starts of any great story, or may be it is, but it sure makes every incident after it completely immaterial.

We are may be one line of a book which is not even complete. Without us, the book would never be what it is, but without the book, what are we if not just intangible forms of some form. I always travel from a place to a place, but this journey started somewhere and will end, may not end at all. Where are these boundaries defined? Does space has boundaries, are there more spaces floating together in one large space? Are there galaxies of spaces too? I wish I knew where am I? What’s my real address? But I don’t. I just continue to float, sometimes without even realizing that I am, entangled in my wishes, relations, fears, joys and sorrows. Amidst this meaningless life, what can really be so meaningful to wish for that one could call it truly worth it? A happy life, a satisfied death?

I don’t know, and this time I wouldn’t say I don’t care. I do care. I do care to know my purpose, my role, because the way I see it, it’s a lot easier to do something when you know what exactly is that something.

So here am I, more confused than ever over my own existence, mulling over the worthlessness of life. I don’t know if it can happen or not, but I guess it would really be worth it, truly worth it if I could be there when we float so far that we finally touch the boundary of our space with a joint in my hand. It would be one hell of a scene I guess. My roomie says he cant really promise touching the boundary part, but joint he has and he wouldn’t mind sharing! I say that's a good purpose to give up blabbering here!

From Womb To Grave

I find myself sitting in the train and the city seems to be running away from me, melancholy seeps into my bones like several pin pricks, I don’t know why such sadness covers me every time I leave the city, is it because my parents still live there, my beautiful lover longs for me and I no more have the company of my genuine friends? I think it’s all of this and then a lot more, it is also because I left those known roads where I used to roam as if I owned them; I was the king of the city at least for myself. To say my own I had only these things and strings of attachment, and here I am going away from them. With each rhythmic beat of train, my heart skips a beat, and I can’t do anything except for inching towards another city.

Funny thing is that I am heading to yet another city in search of good friends and good times. In some ways I will find what I am looking for. The old city will be missed lesser and lesser with time. I will get used to the new city, I may start to own few roads here as well, who knows one day I may feel like the king of the city again. The cycle would continue, and I’ll keep running in the circle, chasing my own tail.

The way I see it, this won’t get me anywhere. No matter how many cities I change, how many miles I travel, I will still be where I was. The pretentious ‘change’ would keep coming and going and still all will be the same. Suddenly ‘change’ looks like that clever guy who always manages to fool you every time. But not this time friend, let me just figure it out once and for all.

It doesn’t matter if my grave is two miles or two thousand miles away from the place of my birth, in the end my grave would be there. So in the end it’s all about the journey isn’t it? A journey from a womb to a grave. Then why do sages preach  us to relinquish all desires and kill any kind of attachment with the relations and almost every color of life? Its like someone asked you to pretend to be colorblind even when nature added so many beautiful colors for you to devour.

So what am I going to do? I think I’ll live for a change, I’ll live my heart out. I will go through every moment of joy and sorrow with a ferocious intensity to feel absorb it in the best possible way and with a hope that next moment will be better than the previous one, after all you don’t want to miss anything during this journey.

I will fully accept the fact that this was always a one way road, and with the last breath left inside me, I will know that I completed the journey in the best possible way, and that’s when I will truly rest in peace completely satisfied with my journey. It will be hell of a journey from womb to grave, but right now they are serving dinner in the train. It’s time to drown myself in the worldly pleasures of life..mmmmmm…smells good!

Drowning the Sober Self

It’s amazing how movies influence one’s own perceptions, how movies make us presume us things we would have thought about hundred times before deciding anything. Same is the case with drinking, many people ask me why do I drink? And my standard reply is “guess?”

Almost all the time I get the same reply, to forget something, “someone”! But do I? Or did u just assumed it be the reason since its portrayed this way in the movies? Well in any case the reason is so wrong, I do nothing but laugh.

Should I reveal the real reason? Well most of the times I drink because I want to. But I know what you want to know, the darker reasons. And I won’t deny, I really have darker reasons. It’s not to forget the failures, the lost love, the wounds, the pain, but I think to live those moments again without feeling the guilt or shame of living those darkest moments again, which are preceded by the life’s best moments. It’s the guilt which I want to drown, because no matter what my past is mine, no one can deny it. Not living in those moments is not an option, or probably I don’t want such an option. It’s a necessity for me. Because these were the moments which have shaped me. How can I forget them?

It’s this world which laughs at you when you express the desire to live in the past. Being sane for a long time makes me insane, for I see the ridiculous world, the stupid laws, expectations, assumptions, perceptions. It is all this that I try to drown when I drink. For those few hours I live in the past, where I want to be, I visit the corners of my heart again and again, where I want to hide myself.

Just for few hours. Is it too much to ask? I don’t know why we can’t see a human being as a simple human being different from his actions, habits, looks. Are we nothing else, were we supposed to be this hollow that few very obvious things could define us? Why aren't we able to ignore all the perceptions and assumptions when we meet someone for the first time? It is this inability which I try to drown in the alcohol. Staying sober for long is as pathetic as being buried alive. You don’t believe it? Well it is this disbelief which I want to drown.