I wish

 Pops, I know a terrible mistake was made on my end. I am sorry beyond words, but I love you so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You are simply an amazing person and I want to share everything with you, right from my t-shirts to all my successes and failures. I made a mistake and I will make amends. I will travel to Turkey and visit your parents, and tell them how sorry I am and ask for forgiveness, I will tell them just because a family member makes a mistake, you don't throw the member out of the family forever. You give them a chance, and I will ask for that chance. After all we are family remember? I will meet you in December and formally propose you with a ring and then I will call up my parents and introduce you to them and finally announce that I am going to marry this amazing girl. After that I will call up my sisters and tell them I found my soulmate and introduce you to them. I will create an Instagram account, add every single person I know in this world and then post our ring photo and tell the whole world you are mine and I am yours. I will finish my education and marry you in 2022 June right after my school ends. I will figure out how to move to Europe and be with you in the same house. I will keep you happy, I will tell you everyday how much you mean to me, I will show you what your love has done to me, I will show you how you have made a man out of this stupid guy. So could you please consider again and let me part of your life, because without you, I shall remain incomplete forever.

I wish I could tell her this. I wish she would listen.

Selfies!

 Never in the history of humankind, a generation has so diligently recorded their history while achieving so little

I owe jail time

I should be in a jail. 

No, not the ones we have everywhere for people who break laws, but a different kind of prison. Ruining lives, breaking people and their trust  and altering (not in a good way) some lives forever, these are all crimes which I am guilty of, and I wish there were prisons for such crimes because that is where I belong.

Past is my future

Happyness, a weird abstract feeling that we all seek in our future.I might not have a future, but I have the past. I will live with you there in the past Pops. Right there is my happyness.

On Mute

First she left.

Then there were words, and then it seemed even the words have left, 

Now that's what's left- me and my muted thoughts.

See you in another life, when we are both bunnies

"Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around"

I wish it was true. Maybe thats what separates fiction from reality..bitter truth.

Lets Resign

 Dear blog,

It might sound wrong and utterly disgusting and controversial and all the bad things one can come up with, but I have started wondering where are all those mass shooters, why cant they do it where I live. I ll be done, and with me, all the issues will come to an end.

An end to a useless life is better than dragging it on, something like chess, once you know beyond hope that you will lose, you resign. I wonder why that option doesn't exist in real life.

No point

 I think I have reached a stage where even death doesn't seem to be a permanent solution. Do you understand what and to which extent you have to mess your life up to feel that way? I could tell you, but then I will have to kill you.

Indifference

 I don't hate the fact that someone whose eyes were always full of love for me would never talk to me again, what I hate is that she would never has those lovely eyes for me again, not even in her thoughts, all that would remain is indifference. Devastating.

Relativity at work

Everything looks so distant. It seems I was home ages ago, it seems I left Turkey ages ago, it seems I have been in this new places for ages. I wonder why.

Addiction is a B#%@$

It is towards the end of the day when I am too weak to hold my guard, the loneliness creeps in.

As a smoker I can say that trying not to be lonely or trying to accept the loneliness takes more effort than trying to not smoke. Its an addiction, my fingers take me to people I want to talk to, but I cannot and it is tough to control. 

Every day I feel as if its a new day, habit refuses to build, every day I wake up with the same fresh wound, with no healing at sight.

People say when going gets tough, tough gets going, and I am trying every single day, waiting for that day when I am over this addiction.

The only thing I can do is take it one day at a time.

swirling thought

What do you lose when you lose? I think everytime a little bit of life is what you really lose with every loss.

Incoherent thoughts of a sleepless night

The kind of things I have done, life seems like a series of mistakes. Some beautiful memories are associated with those mistakes, making everything bittersweet. More bitter than sweet I must say and I wonder, was it all worth it? Would I live the way I have so far and commit the same mistakes if I had another chance at life. I have gone through the pivotal moments of my life and I can say except for that one mistake, I would make all the mistakes I made. Is that what regret is, that one mistake you wish you could take back? I think so, if thats not regret, I dont know what is a regret.

Anyhow, as people say, I must move on on the path that I have chosen and face the music. And what? Should I make more mistakes? At this point I am too tired and full of remorse, I dont think I want to make even one more mistake. Wish there was a time machine and I could correct just one mistake, and I would have been so happy, I bet I could give my life for it. Wishes don't come true. 

What can I do, all thats left is waiting and wishing.

Artificial Intelligence or Artificial Awareness

So I was randomly selected for a drug swab test at the airport, I know that its not a person who is selecting people and judging them based on their race, color, nationality and age, and that its done by an algorithm (AI) which in turn learns to select people randomly based on the past data which has been fed in it for the AI to learn what kind of people were searched in the past and have higher probability of using/smugging drugs. I do understand that.


What if that past data being fed in AI itself is baised because past data does include searches done by humans who were in some or all ways baised. What if the past bais continues to seep into our present.


Some people would say, but hey the past data contains the profile of people who were caught, and maybe AI is doing the right thing. Well lets look at it this way, if in the past you checked 5 women for every 100 men, then naturally more men will be caught, simply because the sample size is significantly bigger. Maybe had they checked more females, they would have caught more females, but that didn't happen and now our dear AI thinks well women are not high risk based on the past data, why should i check them more now! I would continue to pay more attention to males.


This logic can be applied for gender, age, color, nationality or anything that you might think of. If you never looked in a particular direction, how would you find anything there.


Its a vicious cycle. AI learns to be biased, quite unconsciously, based on the previous data, then all the actions it takes, based on that baised past data, are also fed into the AI for it to continue learning, which kind of further cements that bias in the algorithm.


Artificial Intelligence is not really intelligence, its just imitating behaviours to increase the probability of success in whatever that algorithm was built for, based on the data fed into it. 


It is critical that we understand that AI, no matter how good, is not at all aware. AI isnt aware how racial profiling was wrong or that we as humans want to change it now. AI isnt aware of apartheid or colonialism or any of the social issues which we has human race have faced and have tried to correct. AI lacks that insight. AI has no sense of wrong or right, or compassion, its just a monkey which imitates whatever you do, only faster and very accurately. It makes us more efficient and accurate but it doesnt make us more correct.


While it is good that AI in several areas has been quite useful, and I am not writing this article to blame anyone or the AI for the bias existing in the system, I believe the next version of Artificial Intelligence would be Artificial Awareness something which would be able to, unlike humans, think rationally and will be able to distinguish between good and bad, would be aware of the history, would take into consideration the collective intellect of humans before it makes a decision. I know it sounds impossible, but then whatever humans have achieved at some point looked impossible. Someday it will become a reality and oh boy that would be something!

Turkish touch to a Tibetian custom

In Tibet, when someone is going, he is offered a cup of Yak butter tea, but that tea is not to drink, instead it lies there untouched waiting for the reunion of the dear ones. I first saw it in a movie, then researched a bit and it is indeed an old tradition.

Today is my last day in Istanbul, which I knew had to come some day or the other. I always imagined I would have one last beer at Harp with my pepper. Neither Harp is open, nor my pepper is with me. So I opened a beer, took a sip, held it to Harp and my Pepper and left it at Harp's gate, hoping for a reunion someday. 

You were sorely missed Pops!

It might seem like a stupid thing to do, but given all terrible and dumb things I have done in life, this seemed pretty normal.

Why so Hectic?

 Last couple of months have been stressful, full of bad moments and at the same time sad moments. Nowadays I am busy in making arrangements for my travel and next destination. Its so hectic that I don't even have time to think back on the time spent in Istanbul. The city I love, and the city which loved me back.

Sometimes, I think one should have some time to at least say a proper good bye. Alas, thats not the luxury I will have as I leave my beloved city.

Where to?

 Every time when I come back home, I see my little more older parents, ageing house and feel that heavy musty smell, as if its a place where even time gets old. And then comes a time when I need to leave and every time I leave home, it feels as if a little bit of me dies. 

Do you know how important Pepper is?

I love pepper, it has a zing, is edgy and makes my tongue tingle. I loved my Pepper too, pretty much for same reasons, she was unique, had her unique edges and her eyes were the biggest mines of love, love for me. Given how stupid I am, I did something horrible, more horrible than what Voldemort did and now my Pepper is gone. I have no pepper, life is bland and reeks of regret. I deserve it, especially because she didn't deserve any of what she got. Puccu Hububu Pops!

Jesuis Humaine - I Am Human

#JesuisCharlie My Ass. Please pardon my French (ironical, isn’t it), but I have had it enough. 84 school children died in Pakistan few days ago, I guess I missed the #Jesuisl'enfant tweets, freedom of life was never discussed defended so vehemently then. Nothing is an attack on humanity unless it happens in European or American continent is it? A bomb attack in UK is seen as a threat on the whole world, while in India cross border firing killing few people every day is seen as a local issue. Four damn cartoonists and eight others died and a nationwide manhunt ensured the two shooters die as well. Those shooters believed they avenged Allah and Mohammad, and French police believed they avenged humanity I am assuming. What is the difference, both took the same route of revenge? And to cover up the bitter truth, some self-declared prophets of “Freedom of Speech” applied their filthy emotionally masturbated verbal cum on the whole issue.

What exactly is freedom of speech? To say what I wish to say? To not pay heed to the faiths and beliefs of people? It’s a right, every human being’s right. The rights are very mysterious in nature, a human being is believed to have them right from the time of birth. Some pro-life fanatics have even adorned unborn fetus with the same rights. It tells us, how seriously we take it. While I don’t take such creative stupidity very seriously, I fail to understand how no one talks about the responsibilities which come with the fundamental rights as part of the package. For example, if we look at “Right to live”, and add the accountability and responsibility to it, the statement would be “Right to live without damaging, destroying and snatching away right to live of others”. Where is the responsibility towards society in mocking a religion? Calling people living in your country outsiders in an era of globalization? Islam was narrow minded, the so called ‘developed’ people of Europe, where is your broad thinking?

Freedom of speech makes no sense to me if it is not constructive for the society. Mockery of beliefs, faith and religion cannot be part of it. I understand fun, I understand satire but I do not understand mockery. The whole purpose behind coining the term “Freedom of Speech” is lost when the medium is used for anything other than constructive development of society. What was Charlie and his team doing? Pointing at the stupidities of Islam everyday will only make the Islamic people more defensive towards their beliefs, restricting growth of Islam as a whole. I understand if you tell me Islam as a religion has issues, but is there a single religion which is complete in the truest sense. Terrorists are assumed to be muslims, but ask yourself is that true? From ancient times, in the name of Jesus, crusaders massacred men women and children, shan't they be counted as terrorists? Hindus and muslims killed each other during so many riots in past years, both competed for the throne of barbarism, aren’t they both terrorists? Why this special attention on a particular sect? An attention which they never asked for, an attention which is helping them in no way. It is in midst of all this, we are celebrating Freedom of Speech? By doing what? Exaggerating every single stupidity which exists in Islam?

I do not know your father, I hope he is your idol, you believe in him, you have faith in his decisions and actions and way of life. Well, all that is fine but you know what “Fuck your Father”. Would you support this freedom of speech? How is it helping the society by mocking a particular sect, religion? Who will choose what Freedom of Speech is? It’s our responsibility to choose wisely and choose correctly. Have we chosen correctly?

If you think about it, freedom of speech can also be seen as refined form of “Freedom to Express”. Well Charlie thought of expressing via Cartoons, few fanatics chose to express through Guns. Both of them were merely expressing, choice of tool differed. Would you accept that? Don’t pounce upon me with “But killing is wrong?” I don’t deny that, but since when mocking a soul became correct?

Charlie died, before death he was just a cartoonist running a magazine which had weak following. After death he is the symbol of freedom of speech. So ironical I find our way of treating other humans. Exaggerated martyrs are made out of corpses. I read somewhere that this month Charlie’s magazine might sell over 10 Million copies, on an ordinary day it would have sold few thousand at its best, and right there we gave them a free hand to make mockery of society again and with new rigor. Nothing hurts until you are the facing it. Islam might not mean anything to most of the people, but does that allow us to assume it does not mean anything to anyone? For some people, it’s the only way of life. The one precious life which they have, they have put faith in Islam and are following it religiously, adapting the good parts and bad parts. Forgiving the bad parts on account of so many good thing it preaches. They did not give us the right to judge them on account of their faith.

Judge a man for what he has done, not for what he believes, wears or preaches, it’s a personal choice until it starts being a pain to others. What happened to Charlie was wrong, but not on account of what Charlie was spreading. It was wrong because his life was taken without his consent. Can’t we leave the matter to this and stop blaming a whole sect for it? Are our maturity levels so low that we cannot distinguish an act committed by few individuals and an act committed by a whole sect?

I say fuck those who assassinated and fuck Charlie. Both are part of the same stupidity over which we ignore to consider the society. Social norms have become extinct, everything is about being individual, being unique, so much that we turned our back to our own ecosystem, the society. And no, by society I do not mean Facebook or Twitter. Stop covering everything with hash-tags, it rips apart the joys and sorrows of life, making them exactly what they are over internet. “Trending Topics”. While we put up show to fight for humanity we strangle it with our own moral beliefs and actions.

Don’t look for my religion, for I have none. Don’t look for my identity, for its not important. Look at the purpose, and look within yourself. Break the shackles of age old beliefs and words in fashion. Let’s just be what we really are. Humans.

Where Am I?

Most of you think that I am stoned ,but alas I am not. These are few of the questions which suddenly appear whenever I am reading anything related to Space, Galaxy, Stars, Planets, Big Bang Theory, String Theory, M Theory and don’t know what all.

Imagine a theory, I will take the most popular one, Big Bang Theory. It talks about the beginning of something. Something which created all the galaxies; that too billions of them. And then it talks about expansion and how it took for someone like me to be writing this article. I am not really convinced by it. Don’t worry, I will not go into mathematical theories. But, imagine this, at some point something exploded somewhere. This simple beginning of Big Bang Theory itself is so perplexing. I keep asking myself. What exploded and where? What is space? Is it the real infinite or it has boundaries too? How big it has to be for containing eleven billion galaxies which are spaced out so well that in near future and within our limited scope of knowledge and view, no two galaxies seem to be colliding with each other. And amidst all this, all these incidents happening at a very short time on a very huge timeline, I exist, counting seconds, minutes, hours and years, trying to make sense of almost seventy years of my life.

For billions of years, these planets and stars haven’t been able to make any particular sense to me. I mean I just know that they exist. But I really never understood their importance. For me, they just exist. They are floating in time, and with them I am too. Giving them company for a very short span, yet trying to make myself of some importance, value. What am I? Probably a tiny dot of diameter not more than one nanometre on this timeline, may be even less. On occasions like these, I lose faith in life. Not that I develop any kind of suicidal tendencies, but I find every action as worthless, every inactive second looks as good as an active one.

Where am I? Why am I here? Just to live? To get entangled in the trivial issues of my small life like jobs, families, friends, alcohol, weed? I think it got a little more smaller than I intended and the reader might argue that there were people like Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Dalai Lama, Hitler (well he did do something, good or bad will be discussed some other day) and so many others, they really achieved something big. I ask you really? Is that your definition of big? Doesn’t it depend from where are you seeing all this? Imagine a star, lets a Pole Star watching all this, do you think its still big? Isn’t it a joke for Pole Star, wouldn’t he see this as trivial matters of few billion people on earth? We talk so passionately of humanity; it’s amazing to notice the same humanity was non-existent some two thousand years ago and yet we ignore the earth, literally rape it, digging it deeper and deeper everyday, raping it through every hole we can create either its beneath out feet for resources or holes in our atmosphere which we created. We.

I am not saying it’s a good thing or bad thing to treat the earth the way we do. Maybe its plain necessity for our existence. My question is – Does it even matter? Look at the beginning of all this. It’s a vague explosion of something somewhere. The way this story starts might not be one of the best starts of any great story, or may be it is, but it sure makes every incident after it completely immaterial.

We are may be one line of a book which is not even complete. Without us, the book would never be what it is, but without the book, what are we if not just intangible forms of some form. I always travel from a place to a place, but this journey started somewhere and will end, may not end at all. Where are these boundaries defined? Does space has boundaries, are there more spaces floating together in one large space? Are there galaxies of spaces too? I wish I knew where am I? What’s my real address? But I don’t. I just continue to float, sometimes without even realizing that I am, entangled in my wishes, relations, fears, joys and sorrows. Amidst this meaningless life, what can really be so meaningful to wish for that one could call it truly worth it? A happy life, a satisfied death?

I don’t know, and this time I wouldn’t say I don’t care. I do care. I do care to know my purpose, my role, because the way I see it, it’s a lot easier to do something when you know what exactly is that something.

So here am I, more confused than ever over my own existence, mulling over the worthlessness of life. I don’t know if it can happen or not, but I guess it would really be worth it, truly worth it if I could be there when we float so far that we finally touch the boundary of our space with a joint in my hand. It would be one hell of a scene I guess. My roomie says he cant really promise touching the boundary part, but joint he has and he wouldn’t mind sharing! I say that's a good purpose to give up blabbering here!