Echoes

I miss your laughter, it echoes in my head, the only place I can hear it. I wonder if you still laugh like that. If you still go all mad and do your happy dance! I miss you pops!

One Step Closer

Its my birthday month, an event which I refuse to celebrate. My friend asked me why and I told him, birthday is like a reminder that I am one step closer to Death!

My friend said looking at how the world is, its not essentially a bad thing, you should celebrate that you are closer to death now. And I told him -

I had come screaming into this world, I shall go quietly!

The Unsaid Message

 You've got to be a better than this Pops.

                                                   -- Pops

 I would like to believe thats what she wanted to tell me. Missing you Pops as always.    

MItti Ka Toota Khilauna (Broken Toy made of Soil)

Mitti ka toota khilauna hun

I am a broken toy

Kuch adhoora sa, kuch bikhra sa

A little incomplete, a little less

Waqt ki dararon se lipta sa

Covered with the cracks of time

Baahar se toota hun, Andar se toota hun

I am broken from the outside, I am broken from the outside

Bhooton se bhara hun, kaali raaton se ghira hun,

I am full of the demons, and surrounded by the dark nights

Kal ki yadon se lipta hun, kal ke aane se dara hun

I am hugging your memories and scared of the future

Aaj bhi lagta hai sambhal sakta hun

Even today I think I will be fine

Aaj bhi lagta hai jud sakta hun

Even today I think I can become a whole

Ummeed hai aur mayoosi bhi

I have the hope but hoplesness too

Thoda sa zinda hun, thoda mara bhi

I am a bit alive, but a little dead too⁷

Kangan (Bracelet)

 Uske haathon mein bas hum hee jachte the,

(Only I used to suit her hands just the right way,)

Daava...sone ka kangan bhi karta tha

(Even her golden bracelet used to claim the same)

The golden bracelet won.

We all need a bit of Sunshine

You know that feeling when the clouds give way to the Sun and the first beaming warmth touches your skin? A relief, a warm cozy feeling? That's what my Popo is to me, just that the clouds are too thick, everything is beyond my reach. I can only watch and wait for gloomy past to give way so that she can shine again and send her warmth to me.

Andheri Raat (Dark Night)

 Jabse gayi ho, sab kuch bas ek andheri raat hai, aur main sunsaan galiyon mein savera dhoondta aavaara.

(Ever since you left, everything is just a long dark night, and I am the vagabond, searching the streets for sunrise.)

Come popo!

Pops, I miss you. I miss those cute habits of yours. When will you talk to me? Never? Really? One life, and you want to punish me that bad? Can we not look at any other punishment? Something which keeps me close to you, rest doesnt matter, any other punishment would work.

Fashionista Popo

 Today in the strategy calls, for almost three hours we discussed Gucci and how it re-emerged. I realized how less I know about that industry and then I thought how well you would be able to participate in that class. Missed your insights. Maybe last night I would have discussed the case with you, had you been in my life.

You are pretty close

 I don't know god, never understood the concept. People remember God first thing in the morning. If I go by that logic, it is you who I think about when I wake up. Not bad Pops, you are almost close to being God. If not for the entire world, at least for me.

Haivaan (Monster)

 Aaine me khud ko dekha to ehsaas hua kita badsurat hun main

(I saw myself in the mirror and realized how ugly I am)

Kis nazar se dekhun khud ko, kaise bhool jaaun kis kism ka haivaan hun main.

(How do I see myself, how do I forget what kind of monster I am.)

What did I do?

Popos! I miss your cute smile, I miss your funny dance and I miss your warm hugs. It happens everyday, I miss you every moment. I am not mourning anymore, I am simply regretting it. If I could, I would run to you and never let you go anywhere again.

Melancholy.

 Melancholy is the best way to describe what I am feeling. I try to find you in the twinkling stars and in the bustling streets. I try to reach out to you, the heart sinks and the hollowness your departure has created swallows my entire existence and I reach a restless stage where I question every step which brought me towards you and then I question everything that led to my rightful destruction. 

I miss you Pops, no matter how many times I say it, I fucking you miss you beyond words and with a force which shatters my heart every moment. 

pops

Pops, I beg you. SAVE ME.

Toofan (Storm)

Jaane kaisa toofaan tha,

Dont know what kind of storm it was,

Ek din aaya, aur sab kuch lekar chala gaya

One day it came and took away my all my possessions,

Ek jaan chodi hai,

It spared my life

Par mera dil-e-gulistan lekar chala gaya

But it took away my sweetheart

Here I am

 Here I am Pops, piss drunk and yet the loneliest I have ever felt. Its such an irony, I am paying for exactly the same thing, I am paying such a huge cost. I thought of messaging you, but I know just having your number doesn't mean I can. You should give me credit at least for knowing that bit even when I am sloshed. Here I am, thinking about you, every single day, I cannot call you, I cannot hear your voice. 

Here you go Pops, thats the best punishment you could have ever given me. I am not saying this punishment isnt legitimate, I am just saying I hope you know for those 4 nights, I am being continuously punished, and its all worth it, because I did something very wrong to you.

You know what would be crazy though, that day when you call me, to tell me I am forgiven, the day I hear your voice. Crazy dream right? I know, don't tell me its impossible, in a way I know, I just don't have the guts to admit it. Let me live in my own dream, you shall stay mine forever.

All this I wanted to tell you, and yet I cannot. I use this lifeless blog as your pseudo so that I can tell you about my day everyday. What a life.

Registan (Desert)

Unka jaana kaafi mehnga pada,

Her departure (from my life) was costly

Bazaaron mein phir se bikau hona pada

 Once again I became a commodity in the market

Unki hanseen ko dekhe ho gaya arsa

Its been a long time since I last saw her smile

Dil-e-Jannat ko registan hona pada

The oasis of my heart turned into a desert.

Aankhon Dekhi (Seen with eyes)

 Ab to hansee bhi nahi aati, zamaana hans raha hai,

Now I don't laugh, its the world which laughs

Log kehte hain mera dil-o-jaan kahin aur bas raha hai

People say the diamond of my heart has found a new heart.

Carbon Neutral

 Nowadays being Carbon neutral is kind of in fashion. Every organization who wants to "look good" in the books of their customers or stakeholder simply announces they plan to be carbon neutral in next 10-15 years. But there is a catch here? They have no plans around how they would do it, if not all, then at least most of them do not have a clue what they are talking about.

At the same time, we must ask what is the definition of being Carbon Neutral. Right now, those companies who say they are carbon neutral based on what they produce, or in other words based on their final product/outcome. But essentially what they do is that they push that carbon to someone else. Its more of carbon pushing than being carbon neutral. Pushing the carbon to someone else is not really being Carbon Neutral is it?

A simple principle we must remember, as long as we continue to defy nature and continue to live outside that nature, nothing is and nothing will be carbon neutral. Sounds pessimistic, but allow me to explain with an example. Lets take electric cars as an example. Tesla manufactures some of the most sleek and electric cars. It is a technological marvel. I admire Elon Musk and I admire Tesla. Now since these Tesla cars are electric cars, one might say that these cars lower the emission. Do they? Lets explore what all emissions we are not considering when looking at these cars.

Lets start with the batteries. The soul of electric cars. Batteries are made of chemicals, and chemicals do not simply appear on their own, they need to be manufactured. Did we take into account what the emissions are for those chemicals? How about all the charging these cars require. Isn't it true that most of the electricity in this world is still made by burning some kind of fuel? In that case, isn't that charging which we now need to do, instead of directly burning fuels in a traditional car, leads to emissions? Just because electric cars do not have an exhaust pipe doesn't mean these cars do not add to carbon emissions.

In my opinion we should derive some kind of formula to calculate the "net carbon emission" for products. For example, for electric cars - 

Net carbon emission of an electric car = Sum of all carbon emissions associated with manufacturing of all parts + Average number of charges per year x Useful life of the car x Carbon emissions per charge + Carbon emissions required for disposal of car after its useful life + Carbon emissions associated with the sale of that car.

Tedious?! Of course its going to be a tedious process, saving our environment is no easy thing. once the net emission of the electric car is zero, only then we should call it carbon neutral.

I might sound cynical, but in my head, I have a simple rule. As long as we draw resources on a large scale with ambition to grow year after year with no end in sight, there is simply no way for any business to be carbon neutral.

Everyday, when we wake up, we fight the nature, we strive to stay away from nature. We have ACs because its hot, central heating because its cold, concrete buildings because we are scared of the outside, we need a bed to sleep on, because its nice to feel soft when we go to sleep, we need plates and forks and spoon to eat because that ways we look civilized!, we need 24 hour hot water because we never know when we might need it, we need bathing salts because it smells nice, we need insect repellants because they annoy us, we need chemicals to wash our hair and body because that makes us feel clean. I could go on for days, the point is, every morning when we wake up, we do everything possible to stay away from nature. We only like nature when we look outside the window or those walks where we are happy to see a tree and a lake, otherwise we humans are pretty happy to stay in our man made cocoons. 

As long as we continue to live outside nature, as long as we draw resources from the nature at an industrial scale, with no time for nature to replenish the resources, how on earth can we be carbon neutral.

Next time, when you sit in an airconditioned room, ask yourself, are you not emitting carbon, without even moving a single bone?

Reserved Forever

 Mariana Trench is supposed to be the deepest place on earth, and yet the gaping hole in my heart right now, it seems, is the deepest and darkest place. Pops, I am certain that without you, it shall forever remain an empty space. Life is hollow, and the haunting echoes of past are troublesome. No amount of anything I do can ever fill that special space you had, and the special space which will always be for you. 

If my heart were a bar, it has one table and its reserved for you forever.