Tougher than I thought

I tried drawing you Pops! It was one of those baby photos of yours where you are standing on the table with a huge toothless smile. You know how much I love that pic. I tried, but boy I suck at drawing, all three attempts failed. I will practice more and hopefully one day I will post what I draw and hopefully it will resemble you! I miss you chubby cheeks.

Should I?

 Remember Pops, once it happened, I refused to talk and was very angry and I wouldn't meet you and you came and sat down at the bar and refused to go without meeting me? You met me, we were fine after that. I wonder what would happen if I did that. Would you meet me? Would that be a good idea?

Tomb of memories

 I find it disheartening that all I have of you is memories, as if I am building a tomb of memories, where all that lives is your memory. Wish there was a way, I could be closer and make things happen. Wish we could exist in reality, somewhere only we know. But hey, I didn't say its bad to have your memories, I am glad I at least have them, if not you. But the heart wants more!

Toothless

She had a toothless smile when she was a baby. She was damn cute as a baby, not to say she was not cute when she grew up. One day I was working on some problem, and I have this habit of staring into empty space when I am thinking. So I turned in my chair, and there she was sitting at her desk, quietly chewing on a banana, her lips were pursed and her cheeks were round and she was eating the banana like a squirrel. She noticed and that I am watching her, she stopped chewing and looked at me in this clueless way, hard to describe, but very easy to fall in love with. Apart from her kid pics, thats the cutest sight I must have ever seen. 

Tumhari Parchai (Your Shadow)

Kisi ki jannat ho tum, Kisi ka jashn ho tum,

(You are someone's heaven, You are someone's joy)

Humare khwabon ko bas tumhari parchai hee naseeb hui

(My dreams could only get your shadow)

Fighting the Equilibrium

 We die, that's the truth. If you ask why do we die, there is a simple answer, because our organs or something else which makes us function and keeps us alive fails and that results in death. Deeper question why do organs and functions stop at all. If I keep adding calories and nutrients, why would the organs stop working. That in a way tells us we all come with an expiry date, irrespective of what we do, we are all born with expiry date. That expiry date can change based on our habits and lifestyle choices, but we can never get rid of that expiry date.

I was watching a very beautiful video on Microcosmos (link below), and the narrator says life is a chemical system that uses energy to to keep itself from reaching equilibrium. What is equilibrium? It means essentially we are made up of things that want us to die so that those things can reach equilibrium- their final state.

It is odd considering it is the same system which wants to keep us alive. So the things which want to keep us alive also want us to die. For all that we are made of, its a constant fight with itself. A fight which we win most of the days, but lose on that one fine day which becomes the end of us. 

Losing equilibrium as we now know is lethal. I wonder if there is an emotional equilibrium which keeps us alive. A constant fight between the hope and despair, love and hate, anger and joy, chaos and calm. To me all these emotions boil down to one- "Sense of Purpose". Every other emotion is just a by-product of this one emotion. To me, sense of purpose is that fight against the equilibrium which keeps us alive.

I lost that sense of purpose ever since she left (she left because I was horrible). Ever since then there is a void, its like the mother of all emotions died and slowly gradually the by-products have disappeared. 

PS:I am leaving this beautiful thought provoking video below - 

Exhausted

   I am simply exhausted by the sheer number of "to-dos" which I constantly have on any given day nowadays. But more than anything else I am exhausted for not having her to share my sorrows and joys and the complaints and insights and the experiences. Having her was so vital for life, for my sanity and for my calmness, everything is difficult without her, even living. 

Pops, Whats is it for you

Pops, what would be the most memorable day for you, no no, not with me, but I meant, in your entire 28 years of your existence, what was your most memorable part existence.

For me, it was that snowy day you kissed me. The most magical moment of my life.

Never Asked

Our last conversation echos in my head, she called, said we will not talk anymore and I accepted.

I wonder if she wonders why I never stopped her, why I did not ever try to stop her from changing her mind. I wonder if she thinks I wanted it as well.

Thats not true, I want her so much, if I could, I would beg her everyday to not do it, but I didn't, that's because I know her so well, I don't know anyone else as well as I know her. I knew my begging, or whatever I would say would not matter because her heart had left, it wasnt with me. That was the soul of our relation, her heart. Once the soul had left, what should have I tried to save, the rotting carcass of our love?

There is nothing worse than not having a chance to save what is close to your heart.

Room to make mistakes

I think humans treat each other very harshly, the room to make mistakes is always zero, simply no room.

For once, if only for few moments, we could cease to be someone's sister or son or father or mother or daughter, and just be humans, we would acknowledge each others' imperfections, we would be less harsh to each other.

We underestimate the power of accepting imperfections, we underestimate the power of forgiveness.

Forgiveness can change lives, can change entire futures, can be the sunlight on a gloomy day for eternity.

As of now I find life very cruel. I am not saying I find life unfair, just very cruel and there is a fine line.

Yes I know what you might say, actions have consequences, and I completely agree. But consequences could be accompanied by foregiveness. Consequences should not be as definite as death, else we will all die everyday.

One death is enough, lets not kill each other everyday. It would be a lot better, if the world could be a little less of everything.

Highest cost

What is the most expensive thing that you have ever bought? Or let me reframe the question, what is the highest cost that you have ever paid in your life? Was it worth it?

I suddenly realize, that its not monetary, I compromised my future, that is what I paid, thats what it costed me. A beautiful future.

Its not just me who paid this price, even she did, and it was not even her fault. Sounds a little cocky that I am assuming here that she also thought future with me would have been very beautiful, but even if not that, I know she saw some kind of loving and caring future with me and thats the price she paid. No fault of hers, she paid the price of being with me, of knowing me and of trusting me.

Forever I will have to carry this guilt, not just for breaking her trust but that I jeopardized her future. Forever I will have to carry the burden of this guilt. I destroyed "us".

Let that sink in.

Would you?

 I am scared to look into your eyes and explain why I did what I did, probably because there is nothing that I say would ever be enough to explain it. But I want to look into your eyes, and hold your hand to ask you for forgiveness and for another chance. 

Would you? 

Would you be able to see past the mistake? Would you be able to see that my love for you is not limited till that one mistake? Would you find it in you to forgive this idiot guy once? Would let him curl up next to you like old days?

I hope you would.

Manzil (Destinantion)

I heard these two in a movie and both of them touched me - 

1. ‐---------

Kisi ko ghar se nikalte hee mil gayi manzil,

Some people find their destination as soon as they leave home,

Koi humari tarah umr bhar safar mein raha

And some, like me, travel their entire life.

2.-----------

Umr bhar Galib yehi bhool karta raha,

Whole life Galib, I made the same mistake

Dhool chehre pe thi, aur aaina saaf karta raha

Dust was on the face, and I kept cleaning the mirror

All it takes is a wink

 Every time we wink, a moment passes. That brief darkness is what we miss. One wink, one moment, and some of it lost to the brief darkness. As if darkness takes it cut from the portion. It doesn't sound much when we think about just one wink, but over the years it adds up, moments passed and the part of it lost to darkness. 

What if that's all life is, a wink of the eye and twinkling of the stars.

When I wink, I see you Pops. That ways I avoid the darkness, that ways I don't lose a moment. Your calm presence in my stormy days is missed every day.

daynight!

savera ho gaya hai, zindagi phir se shuru karni hai, thak sa gaya hun, 

(Its morning again, need to start life again, but i am tired)

andhere mein chup jaane ki tamanna liye raat ka intezar hai.

(With the wish of hiding myself in the dark, now I wait for the night)

Each, the other's world entire - II

Long long back we had once gone to a mall, she dragged me into a photo booth, we clicked funny pictures of ourselves. In on of the frames they way she is looking at me, it gets me, every time I look at it. That's what I lost, that look. If that's not the look of love not sure what is.

That's just a rough sketch of us in that frame, I know I did a very bad job at drawing it, I don't look this good and she is very beautiful in real life, but yeah, can you see how she is looking at me. That is what I lost, completely because of me. 

In a way I snatched her right to look at someone with that much love. I did that to her. Why would she ever forgive me, leave alone ever talking to me. I would have done more harsher things had I been in her shoes.

She was very kind, even after all this. I remember on my last day she talked to me normally, we cracked jokes, bitched about others, laughed at things and I know she did that because she wanted me to have a normal last day. Do you understand how big her heart is.

I miss you Popo.

Pepper Consulting Inc

Oh no no, I didn't become some unicorn startup or a big shot, here in this small town me and a couple of guys decided lets practice consulting by doing consulting work for local businesses for minimal or no fee. We named it Pepper Consulting. Needless to say, it was my suggestion. Why did I name it Pepper Consulting, because that ways it will stay close to my heart.

I hope I make you proud Pops in my small ways. 

Reminder!

 I should stop having beers, I feel like the loneliest person on earth. I miss her more than I can handle.

Dreams Don't Die

A thing once dead, shall not be resurrected, for it does not belong to the mortal world anymore.

This thought came to me, because I was thinking about her and meeting her, and then I thought who would I see, the one I remember or the one who has moved on, would it not be disappointing to see the one who has moved on. Would I prefer to see that version of her. If the love is dead, if her eyes dont sparkle for me, would it not be soul crushing.

I do not know, what I can do is keep the dream alive and hope I find that sparkle in her eyes when I see her, if I see her. Without that dream, I have nothing else left.

Moments of You

In a world where everything eventually becomes obsolete, 

It is your memory that forever remains fresh

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Some say we are all star dust, I would like to believe we were part of the same star and we will always be.

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Eventually all lives end, only you could make me wish for eternity.

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If bubbles could last longer, I would ride them every night, if only to touch your dreams.

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If rationality suggests I would have to spend my mortal time without you, I would prefer to be irrational.