Our Cipher

 I was recently searching for a song, it was a song with Piano music and some random voices which had no meaning but perfectly fit the music. I didn't remember the song's name, nor do I remember who was the artist, I just knew that I loved it and it exists somewhere. 

So I decided to look at my YouTube history and see if I can see if it turns up. The search starts with the latest date and goes further in the past and as I was scrolling it hit me that this history in a way reflects so much of my own past. I could see some Turkish songs in the search at some point, and then a lot of Egyptian songs, and then Camel Band came and it was as if I was I was seeing the reel of my past. 

Each song had a story, a memory attached to it. Each song for me was a moment I remembered and each story had people who shared that moment with me and I saw her too in those moments, I saw our lives together in those songs. I saw our coming together and I also saw us transforming into strangers in that history. Every moment, every search, every bit of it felt so intimate, something which is hard to explain to anyone and even harder to share.

That's where my Pops lives with me, in the seemingly meaningless YouTube history where I see us sharing so many moments. A story which only we could understand, a story that is a cipher for others. A cipher which has only two keys, I have one and she has one. What could be more intimate than that?

Mumbai ki Baarish

Thandi boondon ko choomna chahta hun

Boondon ke bojh tale bhi halka mehsoos hota tha

Maano jaisa dil khula ho aur thandi hawa dil mein seedhe ghusi chali jaati ho

Jaan daal de, waisi hoti thi Mumbai ki baarish

Bheegna chahta hun Mumbai ki baarish mein

Jaane kab milega mauka phir

Jaane kab dekhunga barsaat ab

Par agli baar chhata liye bina hee jaaunga Mumbai

Kyunki, Bheegna chahta hun Mumbai ki baarish mein

Closure

I saw her today, in my dreams and it felt very real. She was lying naked on the bed in a naturally lit room which looked a lot like my bedroom in Istanbul, and I was there sitting next to her. I was observing the goosebumps on her breasts and wondering what led to those goosebumps, maybe my presence. She asked me something, something she needed help with, I was ready but then she hesitated and refused to accept the help and I drifted away from the dream, felt the light on my eyes and I was back in reality, clock showed its 9.00 AM and there I was happy sad to see her so close.

We didn't touch, we didnt make love, we didn't kiss, we only had a small chat, I got to see her face, I got to see my love and I wondered if this is the end, if this is my closure or was cosmos carrying her waves to me, was she also thinking about me.

Its sad that we are not together, but I hope this is not the closure, I need that weak and hair thin connection that I have with you, thats all that keeps me alive. 

Forever thinking about you Pops, irrespective of where I am, what state I am, you are always there in my mind.

My nights with you

Its been some time, but not a day goes by when I dont think about you Pops. Sometimes the thoughts are sweet and nestle with those memories and cuddle them to sleep, but sometimes I burn with guilt, struggle to breathe and every minute of the torturos night is filled with pain.

Barbaadi Ki Aag (Fire of Destruction)

 Barbaadi ki wo aag aaj bhi jal rahi hai

(Flames of destruction are still alive)

Seene mein wo sharam aaj bhi dhadhak rahi hai

(That guilt that I carry in my heart is still stoking)

Aashiyaane kai banaye maine, par sab khaak hue

(I tried to build from the start, but all got destroyed)

Tamam naye armaan mere us aag mein jal kar raakh hue

(All new dreams turn to ash)

Wo Raat (That Night)

Jo hua bura hua, ab kya dein duhai uss raat ko

(Whatever happened that night, whats the point of cursing it)

Kadam badhe aur galtiyon ka pahad sa ban gaya

(I took some steps and made a mountain of mistakes)

Tumhare saath har rishte ko todti wo kaali raat sab ujaad gayi

(That dark night erased all that we had)

Aaj bhi lagta hai jaise kal ki baat hai, jab tum meri aur main tumhara tha

(It feels as it it was yesterday, when you were mine and I was yours)

Ab hum ajnabee hain, naa tum haal poochti ho na main pooch sakta hun

(Now we are strangers, neither do you ask about my well being, nor can I ask you)

Jo hua bura hua, ab kya dein duhaai us raat ko

(Whatever happened wasnt good, now whats the point of cursing that night)

Kyun (Why)

Haathon kee lakeeron mein kyun zindagi ka tadbeer hai

(Why in the lines of my palm lies my life's plan?)

Kyun zindagi mein laga adhoori khwahishon ka dher hai

(Why my life is a pile of unfulfilled dreams?)

Khuda ka kaisa ye khel hai, kyun galtiyon ki saza iss kadar khaufnak hai

(Oh God! What games you play, why punishments for my mistakes are so gory?)

Tap raha hai badan, kyun ye yaadon ka bukhaar hai

(I feel feverish, why torture me with my past?)

Kis khanjar se likhi thi qismat, kyun chalni meri rooh hai

(Which knife did you use to write my destiny, why my soul is full of stabs?)

Sawaalon se ghira hun, kyun khamoshi tera andaaz hai

(I am surrounded by questions, why do you choose to be silent?)

Maut ka Safar

Na ye ghar mera hai, na ye jism,
Phir bhi laga hun sanwarne mein dono ko
Kushiyon se bharta hun, kaale saayon se bachata hun
Par jo paraya hai, wo kabhi apna kaise ho,
Na ye ghar mera hai, na ye jism

Apna kya hai, mujhe khabar nahi
Zindagi aur maut ke beech ka waqt zaaya karta ja raha hun
Kya dhoondta hun, kya chahta hun,
Insaano ne jo na sikhaya un sawalon se ghira hun

Sab kuch safar se pehle ke intezaar sa lagta hai, waqt bas kaate jaa raha hun
Maut ka safar hai, ye sabko pata hai
Bas apne aap ko yahi bataye jaa raha hun,
Na ye ghar mera hai na ye jism
Bas kisi tarah jiye jaa raha hun.

Beauty of Ithaca Fall

Dil rooi, zabaan patthar aur khayal mom ho gaye

(Heart as light as cotton, tongue tied and my thoughts melted like wax)

Unki khoobsurti mein apne hone ka ehsaas hua

(In her beauty I felt my existence)

From Dusk to Dawn

Couldn't sleep tonight, she came in my thoughts and didn't let me sleep. I saw the darkness slowly turn into light and yet what I did haunted me, I missed her, I miss not knowing what cute things she is doing, who is she pissed with, who is she cribbing about. I miss her cute messages, I miss that cute smile.

Parchai (Shadow)

Dhoondta hun uske nishaan har waqt har jagah

(I look for her traces all the time, everywhere)

Parchai bhi na mili is badnaseeb ko

(This wretched man could not even get her shadow)

Khwahishein (Wishes)

Hawaon par likhta hun khwahishein apni

(I write my wishes on the breezes)

Ki kahin unko ko kisi ki nazar na lage

(So that they do not catch someone's evil eye)

Mutthi mein band rakhta hun armaon ko mere,

(I keep my wishes in my closed fist)

Ki kahin khuda ko meri koshish jurrat na lage

(So that God doesnt find my perseverance to get those wishes audacious)

Shikwa (Lament)

Shikwa kya karein unke jaane ka,

(Why should I complain about her leaving me)

Mannat maut ki bhi kabool na hui unke dar pe

(When even my wish for death in her feet wasnt fulfilled)

Made It

 I made it to the Dean's List Pops. I scored 3.86 GPA in the summer semester to pull that off. I think you would have been very happy had you known this. I can imagine you being super happy and doing your happy dance and that kind of makes me happy. Cheers!

Insanity

There is this insanity here. All you do is run, although its never clear what I am running behind. But it does keep you occupied, in that ways this insanity is good. After all day doing something which has no meaning, when I come back and your thought touches me, it has the same effect as water has on a drying up plant. I feel the life in me, I feel the softness, I feel the juices running in me again. 

Your thought makes me see the insanity in its true colors and it lets me detach myself from that insanity. But then I miss you so much, that I almost feel guilty of feeling alive and somewhere I start wishing for insanity. Thats what my punishment is, to live an insane life while being dead inside, keeping you as a mere spark, but nothing more, not enough to revive me, but enough so I remember what I lost, what I destroyed.

I miss you Pops. Everyday.

It matters why you change.

 Someone asked me, what would you do if you got to know today is the last day, at 12 midnight you'll die?

I first thought about it and my initial thoughts included flipping few people, calling popo to hear her voice for the last time, making sure my parents accept this and what not. But then something occurred and I said to my friend "I would live it just the way I have been living but yeah I will call her for the last time for sure." 

My friend was a little surprised that I would not do anything out of the ordinary. So I asked him, you know you are going to die someday. The awareness of our eventual death already exists, but I still live the way we live, then why change anything even if I get to know I'll be dead tomorrow.

If I should change, then I should change because of the life that I want to live, not because I am about to die soon. 

But yeah, as a last wish, I will still call her, if only to get her wrath.

Echoes

I miss your laughter, it echoes in my head, the only place I can hear it. I wonder if you still laugh like that. If you still go all mad and do your happy dance! I miss you pops!

One Step Closer

Its my birthday month, an event which I refuse to celebrate. My friend asked me why and I told him, birthday is like a reminder that I am one step closer to Death!

My friend said looking at how the world is, its not essentially a bad thing, you should celebrate that you are closer to death now. And I told him -

I had come screaming into this world, I shall go quietly!

The Unsaid Message

 You've got to be a better than this Pops.

                                                   -- Pops

 I would like to believe thats what she wanted to tell me. Missing you Pops as always.    

MItti Ka Toota Khilauna (Broken Toy made of Soil)

Mitti ka toota khilauna hun

I am a broken toy

Kuch adhoora sa, kuch bikhra sa

A little incomplete, a little less

Waqt ki dararon se lipta sa

Covered with the cracks of time

Baahar se toota hun, Andar se toota hun

I am broken from the outside, I am broken from the outside

Bhooton se bhara hun, kaali raaton se ghira hun,

I am full of the demons, and surrounded by the dark nights

Kal ki yadon se lipta hun, kal ke aane se dara hun

I am hugging your memories and scared of the future

Aaj bhi lagta hai sambhal sakta hun

Even today I think I will be fine

Aaj bhi lagta hai jud sakta hun

Even today I think I can become a whole

Ummeed hai aur mayoosi bhi

I have the hope but hoplesness too

Thoda sa zinda hun, thoda mara bhi

I am a bit alive, but a little dead too⁷