Never Asked

Our last conversation echos in my head, she called, said we will not talk anymore and I accepted.

I wonder if she wonders why I never stopped her, why I did not ever try to stop her from changing her mind. I wonder if she thinks I wanted it as well.

Thats not true, I want her so much, if I could, I would beg her everyday to not do it, but I didn't, that's because I know her so well, I don't know anyone else as well as I know her. I knew my begging, or whatever I would say would not matter because her heart had left, it wasnt with me. That was the soul of our relation, her heart. Once the soul had left, what should have I tried to save, the rotting carcass of our love?

There is nothing worse than not having a chance to save what is close to your heart.

Room to make mistakes

I think humans treat each other very harshly, the room to make mistakes is always zero, simply no room.

For once, if only for few moments, we could cease to be someone's sister or son or father or mother or daughter, and just be humans, we would acknowledge each others' imperfections, we would be less harsh to each other.

We underestimate the power of accepting imperfections, we underestimate the power of forgiveness.

Forgiveness can change lives, can change entire futures, can be the sunlight on a gloomy day for eternity.

As of now I find life very cruel. I am not saying I find life unfair, just very cruel and there is a fine line.

Yes I know what you might say, actions have consequences, and I completely agree. But consequences could be accompanied by foregiveness. Consequences should not be as definite as death, else we will all die everyday.

One death is enough, lets not kill each other everyday. It would be a lot better, if the world could be a little less of everything.

Highest cost

What is the most expensive thing that you have ever bought? Or let me reframe the question, what is the highest cost that you have ever paid in your life? Was it worth it?

I suddenly realize, that its not monetary, I compromised my future, that is what I paid, thats what it costed me. A beautiful future.

Its not just me who paid this price, even she did, and it was not even her fault. Sounds a little cocky that I am assuming here that she also thought future with me would have been very beautiful, but even if not that, I know she saw some kind of loving and caring future with me and thats the price she paid. No fault of hers, she paid the price of being with me, of knowing me and of trusting me.

Forever I will have to carry this guilt, not just for breaking her trust but that I jeopardized her future. Forever I will have to carry the burden of this guilt. I destroyed "us".

Let that sink in.

Would you?

 I am scared to look into your eyes and explain why I did what I did, probably because there is nothing that I say would ever be enough to explain it. But I want to look into your eyes, and hold your hand to ask you for forgiveness and for another chance. 

Would you? 

Would you be able to see past the mistake? Would you be able to see that my love for you is not limited till that one mistake? Would you find it in you to forgive this idiot guy once? Would let him curl up next to you like old days?

I hope you would.

Manzil (Destinantion)

I heard these two in a movie and both of them touched me - 

1. ‐---------

Kisi ko ghar se nikalte hee mil gayi manzil,

Some people find their destination as soon as they leave home,

Koi humari tarah umr bhar safar mein raha

And some, like me, travel their entire life.

2.-----------

Umr bhar Galib yehi bhool karta raha,

Whole life Galib, I made the same mistake

Dhool chehre pe thi, aur aaina saaf karta raha

Dust was on the face, and I kept cleaning the mirror

All it takes is a wink

 Every time we wink, a moment passes. That brief darkness is what we miss. One wink, one moment, and some of it lost to the brief darkness. As if darkness takes it cut from the portion. It doesn't sound much when we think about just one wink, but over the years it adds up, moments passed and the part of it lost to darkness. 

What if that's all life is, a wink of the eye and twinkling of the stars.

When I wink, I see you Pops. That ways I avoid the darkness, that ways I don't lose a moment. Your calm presence in my stormy days is missed every day.

daynight!

savera ho gaya hai, zindagi phir se shuru karni hai, thak sa gaya hun, 

(Its morning again, need to start life again, but i am tired)

andhere mein chup jaane ki tamanna liye raat ka intezar hai.

(With the wish of hiding myself in the dark, now I wait for the night)

Each, the other's world entire - II

Long long back we had once gone to a mall, she dragged me into a photo booth, we clicked funny pictures of ourselves. In on of the frames they way she is looking at me, it gets me, every time I look at it. That's what I lost, that look. If that's not the look of love not sure what is.

That's just a rough sketch of us in that frame, I know I did a very bad job at drawing it, I don't look this good and she is very beautiful in real life, but yeah, can you see how she is looking at me. That is what I lost, completely because of me. 

In a way I snatched her right to look at someone with that much love. I did that to her. Why would she ever forgive me, leave alone ever talking to me. I would have done more harsher things had I been in her shoes.

She was very kind, even after all this. I remember on my last day she talked to me normally, we cracked jokes, bitched about others, laughed at things and I know she did that because she wanted me to have a normal last day. Do you understand how big her heart is.

I miss you Popo.

Pepper Consulting Inc

Oh no no, I didn't become some unicorn startup or a big shot, here in this small town me and a couple of guys decided lets practice consulting by doing consulting work for local businesses for minimal or no fee. We named it Pepper Consulting. Needless to say, it was my suggestion. Why did I name it Pepper Consulting, because that ways it will stay close to my heart.

I hope I make you proud Pops in my small ways. 

Reminder!

 I should stop having beers, I feel like the loneliest person on earth. I miss her more than I can handle.

Dreams Don't Die

A thing once dead, shall not be resurrected, for it does not belong to the mortal world anymore.

This thought came to me, because I was thinking about her and meeting her, and then I thought who would I see, the one I remember or the one who has moved on, would it not be disappointing to see the one who has moved on. Would I prefer to see that version of her. If the love is dead, if her eyes dont sparkle for me, would it not be soul crushing.

I do not know, what I can do is keep the dream alive and hope I find that sparkle in her eyes when I see her, if I see her. Without that dream, I have nothing else left.

Moments of You

In a world where everything eventually becomes obsolete, 

It is your memory that forever remains fresh

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Some say we are all star dust, I would like to believe we were part of the same star and we will always be.

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Eventually all lives end, only you could make me wish for eternity.

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If bubbles could last longer, I would ride them every night, if only to touch your dreams.

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If rationality suggests I would have to spend my mortal time without you, I would prefer to be irrational.

Koc Vs Cornell

Today after a long time I got some time to go out and randomly walk around the city. I decided its high time that I check out my campus. Its a big campus, has a lake and waterfalls and small bridges all within the campus. Its beautiful in all ways and since it is situated on a hill top, the view from the top is mesmerizing. I reached a certain segment of the campus and it reminded me of the Koc University when Pops took me there. I couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like to show my campus to Pops and what all I will show her. I already know she would have loved it. There is a dairy bar in the campus which serves very unique variety of ice-creams, I am sure she would have enjoyed it. She would have loved the view from the top and would have gone absolutely mental while crossing the bridge which shakes! But I would have held her hands and made her cross it with me.

There is so much to show her, and the irony is, I don't have her company, with whom I can share the beauty of the campus.

Who is God?

Existence of God is debatable and the whole world is divided on it. I am an atheist, so for me God doesn't exist, but that doesn't mean God doesn't exist. Who is God? 

To me, it is that person who gives you another chance at life when no one else does. To me, God is any person who can forgive you for your mistakes, when no one else would. To me God is someone who helps you when no one else does.

Or maybe God really doesn't exist, and I merely conjured up this idea of God, because that is what I need her to be so that she forgives me, helps me and accepts me.

Again its a far fetched wish, a real work of imagination, but whatelse a hopeless me can do? Boy what would I give if this dream came true, every single hair on my head and my whole life.

Ikigai or Rooh

 When I first heard the Japanese word "Ikigai", I loved its meaning, but I think at that time I misunderstood its meaning. Its funny how I loved the wrong interpretation of this word. In simple terms it means "the reason for being". Its simple, but the question is what is the reason for being? I used to think having a dream, an ambition/aspiration or maybe having a goal is what Ikigai means. I was wrong.

To me the word has taken another meaning, to me it started meaning her. She was the reason for my being. Goals, ambitions and dreams were just "something to do" and not THE reason for being. I lost my "Ikigai", and without it, nothing makes sense. 

We have a word for this in Urdu as well- "Rooh". It can mean a lot of things under different contexts, and I associate with one of those meanings. For me Rooh means the thing which makes us alive. The difference between someone dead and alive is not simply the stopping of bodily functions, but also the vanishing of purpose for being. That innate desire, purpose, reason or whatever else you want to call it, to me that's what Rooh means. 

She is my first thought in the morning, and the last thought at night. In that way she was my Rooh.

Come, if only to leave me again

Sang a song in my tiny room where I am afraid to be loud, others might hear. But I sang for her, I sang because I wanted to call her and tell her this, but of course I can't, so I sang in whatever ugly voice I am bestowed with. I hope some ripples of the song reach her, not to bother her, but I hope she feels the love.

Kis Kis ko batayenge, judai ka sabab hum - 2
Who should I tell the sorrows of separation

Tu mujhse khafa hai to zamaane ke liye aa
If you are angry at me, then come for the world

Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa
Even if hatred is all you have for me, at least come to break my heart

Ranjish hi sahi
Even if its hatred

Aa phir so mujhe chhod ke jaane ke liye aa
Come if only to leave me again, but come

Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa
Even if hatred is all you have for me, at least come to break my heart

Ranjish hi sahi
Even if its hatred

Aa phir so mujhe chhod ke jaane ke liye aa
Come if only to leave me again, but come

Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa
Even if hatred is all you have for me, at least come to break my heart

Ranjish hi sahi
Even if its hatred

Pehle se marasim na sahi, phir bhi kabhi toh - 2
I know you don't agree, even then some day

Rasm-o Rah-I duniya hi nibhaane ke liye aa
come to carry out the rituals of this barbaric world

Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaane ke liye aa
Even if hatred is all you have for me, at least come to break my heart

Ranjish hi sahi
Even if its hatred

I need some touch-up here

 I really wish there was a way to redo the past. I am not saying that so that I can undo my horrible mistake, well if given a chance I would love to, but I know that's not possible, second chances seldom happen and mostly in work of fiction. What I am talking about here is just tiny additions and deletions to the past events and not about removing the entire event. 

As much as I live in the past nowadays, I see us and I always wonder, why did I not kiss her enough when I had the chance, why did I not tickle her more in that moment when I had the chance, why did I not cuddle her more on our couch when I had the chance. I saw her taking shower while I used to brush my teeth so many times, and I wonder why did I not just open the door and kiss her everywhere every single time while I had the chance.

I know why I didn't, because I didn't think it would end, I thought I will be able to do that all my life, I took the future for granted. And here I am now sitting in that barren future, wishing for touch-ups to fill my past with more love.

You know your future is worthless when you are more interested in making your past better.

Time and Mind

Have you noticed it? Time and mind going in opposite direction? Time refuses to stop, continues to march on, and my mind drifts away in the past, recalls those memories where I was happy, where she was next to me and where we did all the silly things together. 

Between this push and pull of time and mind, I am torn to pieces. 

Each, the other's world entire

I am sitting on the couch, she is sitting right there, we have Becks open and we are watching some random movie. I am playing with her cheeks, she is holding me in her arms. I am telling her useless stuff about the movie and she, half listening to me, is quietly watching the movie. I tell her I am hungry, we are both lazy, we order a Pizza and we both are eagerly waiting for the pizza while sipping on our last beers. We are eating that pizza, not many words are exchanged, but we both know how much the other person would eat, there are no surprises there, we don't need words. Now we are full and the movie has ended and we are sleepy, we both somehow drag ourselves to the bed and she slips into her night clothes, I am waiting for her to join me under the cold blanket, so that I can snuggle up to her and find some warmth. She enters the blanket and plays with my tummy, which she is strangely fascinated with. Now the bed is warm and we feel cozy, I am spooning her and then suddenly I hear the sound of her lips opening like a fish and I know she is sleeping, in her rhythmic breathing I find my own rhythm and my eyes are heavy, I am about to sleep, with perfect knowledge that tomorrow I will wake up next to her, and we will be each other's world again.

It brings a smile.

Finding her

You know how personal losses can change you, it happened to me too. Nowadays I try to find her in her own dreams, every day, hoping I would enter her dream and for few moments we would be together again. I don't want to convince her about something, I just want to spend some time with her because thats where my peace is, if dreams is where it happens, I will take it. 

One more day, one more try.